Category: Participants’ experiences

Hello Tomáš and Lenka,

At the beginning of July 2018 I was with you for a five-day dark retreat and I promised to write a few lines about my impressions…

I was really looking forward to the dark retreat

You could describe it as a mix of curiosity (what will it be like?) and a need for a certain kind of rest – in the form of “switching off”, or strongly limiting the stimuli and influences around me. My “looking forward” was also shaped by the impression the book Tvary tmy (Shapes of Darkness) by Pavlína Brzáková and Jaroslav Dušek had left on me.

After the lights went out in the evening, within about two hours (it felt almost fast to me) I got into a pleasant state of calm, even bliss. I was very curious what my sleep would be like. The important thing was that it wasn’t really any different from home. No nightmares, no insomnia.. People also sometimes say that you sleep through your first three days in the dark. That wasn’t my case either. My sleep was apparently of better quality (thanks to the silence and the darkness) and I seem to have fallen asleep earlier than usual, and I must have woken up early too…

As for the food, I was more than satisfied. I enjoyed all the flavours, the hot food (soup and main course), the dessert (different every time, but always good and  not too sweet a cake), and the fruit and vegetables were a joy too. The meals were probably vegan, which I didn’t pay much attention to there, I simply enjoyed them.
I used a lot of the time for exercise. In particular a few repeated yoga poses + press-ups and stretching were quite a favourite of mine. Singing, drumming and tapping out rhythms with my hands on different parts of my body also put me into a pleasant mode.

The days in the dark went by quite slowly and in the last two days I was really looking forward to the experience of “coming out” of the darkness… And I can tell you, it is a wonderful experience!

What is my overall impression? 

My overall good impression of the dark retreat rests on having my need for solitude met (the luxury of solitude!) and also on deliberately making myself do nothing, which I also rate very positively.

I would like to thank Tomáš Roud and Lenka Roudová for this. You do it well!! Keep going, don’t ease up 🙂

With warm regards,

Václav

The dark retreat was an interesting experience for me; next time I would choose a week instead of 2 days. The darkness was pleasant, soft, all-pervading. I got used to it surprisingly quickly, didn’t resist it, and lost all sense of time. It felt liberating – not rushing after anything, simply being and feeling my body.

When my stay was over, I went out to watch the sunrise. It was beautiful and I felt deep gratitude. During the retreat I realised how important it is not to resist the darkness when it comes to visit us, and to thank it instead. How else could we appreciate the light? 🙂

Wishing you lovely autumn days, full of colour and love

Eliška

I went to find my limits 

When I decided on a dark retreat with Tomáš and Lenka – a decision helped along to a large degree by a miraculous coincidence – I tried to prepare for every possible version of what might happen. Since I was aware that things might also happen that would never have occurred to me, I set myself one fundamental condition in advance. I told myself that even if I were to go mad from my own company, even if I longed to break off the retreat, I would not do it. That was how determined I was to find my limits and to experience myself truly as I am. And so equipped, I set off on my journey.

Before actually entering the dark I was of course given a very warm welcome, but I confess that I perceived the events connected with the outside world only on the periphery. I was curious and looking forward to my great inner adventure. After getting acquainted with the little cabin where I was to spend the next seven days, and taking it in with my eyes, I said goodbye to Tomáš, and although I had planned to finish reading about five pages of a book before immersing myself in the dark, in sheer anticipation and full of impatience I switched off the light.

And so my dark retreat began

This was it. Right from the start it was probably the awareness that the darkness would be my only company for the next several days that triggered my not perceiving it as darkness I was immersed in or lost in, but as a living entity, as if it were the only other being sharing the space with me. And the darkness itself approached me in just the same way. The first small steps of our getting to know each other were gentle, tender. And two things surprised me straight away.

I was prepared

Firstly, I was prepared for fear, for despondency, for worries, for having to face myself, for losing all meaning along with losing sight of the whole of my outside world. I was prepared to face my worst inner demons and fears. Because that is what we tend to associate darkness with. Ghosts, demons, bogeymen under the bed, skeletons in cupboards, the unimaginable, emptiness. And would you believe it, for the first two or three days nothing of the kind happened.

I was, nothing more

I sat there prepared to face everything terrible that might come at me out of that darkness; I sat and waited, and nothing at all happened. I simply was. This later grew in intensity, and this very fact was one of the most beautiful things I brought back from the dark. Suddenly there was nothing. Nothing to fear, nothing to worry about. There was only me. And what’s more, right from the start, stripped of my ideas, thoughts and expectations.

The darkness was not empty.

It was not alone in there. It was full of me. Nothing could come out of it that did not come from me. And anything that came from me, I was determined to get to know, understand and accept. Above all, though, I began to discover what that “from me” actually really is.

I have the feeling that this is how a certain game began, one that gradually and slowly loosened and shed all my expectations. Although certain themes did arrive (different ones from those I had planned) and the work on myself was very interesting, it was only after roughly three days that a noticeable turning point came.

The darkness took me inward

As if the darkness first calmed me down, waited until I tore down my protective barriers, and only then, once I felt completely safe, began to take me on bolder journeys. All those journeys led into my inner self, somewhere beyond me, beyond the physical being who appears a certain way to others, the one I had known until then. For lack of external stimuli my mind began to get bored, it quietened down, until my thoughts almost switched off.

Then the journey inward began. Human consciousness needs to look, to perceive, to get to know. And if you have nothing around you to get to know, without the flood of phenomena, pressures, ideas and demands of your surroundings, you calm down, and suddenly a door opens into your inner being.

It was metaphysical and wonderful. Only in the dark did I have, perhaps for the first time since I drew my first breath in this world, real space to be myself. Until then I had been meeting myself, getting to know myself, but I could never truly know myself. One huge part was missing, the part that had always been with me, the huge part I am immersed in every day, so automatically that I had almost stopped perceiving it clearly, even though I was aware of it. I simply knew about it, sort of automatically, but I no longer experienced it so much.

In the dark I met my own soul

and discovered how many treasures it holds for me, if only I listened to it more and gave more attention to moments like this one. As if the darkness allowed my scattered attention to return to myself. Not to the being who functions in various relationships and patterns, but to the essence of myself. To pure being, here.

It is better to experience it “for yourself” 

I could describe the whole retreat here, with all the experiences and the things that were revealed to me. I may yet add to this short description of mine. But I believe it is far better to experience it for yourself. Yes, there were also two complicated, or more difficult moments. But for everything, presence always helped. You simply had to find your way back into it somehow, and that was very good training. Those moments arose from my mind, or soul, lingering somewhere other than where I actually was. That very anchoring in the present was one of the greatest benefits, though by no means the deepest or the most beautiful. Those moments arrived at exactly the right time, only once I had gained complete trust in the present, and in myself.

I would do it again

I would like to repeat the dark some time, perhaps even for two weeks. It probably depends on the individual, but if you want to know yourself, then know that the outer world through which we come to know ourselves is still here. It is good to know the inner one too, and to realise who it actually is that is getting to know that outer world. If you want to resolve some issue, the darkness may surprise you. Without outside support for your imagination, it will not take you to where you think the problem is, but will show you the place where the problem really is, and you suddenly know with absolute certainty that it really lay in something other than what you had assumed.

If you want to know where your inspiration springs from, you can experience a connection to an infinite source, with which you are, in your own essence, one – which is amazing if you are a creative person.

What is hardest about the dark?

What is probably hardest about the dark is the return to the light. The darkness, being with yourself and within yourself, is easier than the light, than facing that world out there. In the dark it is truly you. You cannot hide behind any role. Outside, you then feel that you have stepped back onto a stage where only some are aware that they are, in fact, acting.

Just as day and night alternate, it is good to experience yourself in the light and in the dark. To know yourself from both sides, and to see that in there is a whole vast universe to know and to explore. I am very glad of the experience. Perhaps the only thing I would welcome now, in “real life”, is more opportunity and space to look within, and not to have to focus almost all of my energy on the things around me all the time. Because on any retreat, including one in the dark, you should realise that it is above all a retreat into yourself. That everything around and within is a stay “in me”.

From the depths of my soul, I wish you a beautiful retreat 🙂

Ondřej

Hello,

I have to say that ever since coming back from the dark I’ve been wondering what to write to you. It feels to me as if any words are unnecessary. What I feel can’t be put into words, but I’m sending it to you in my thoughts and I believe you can feel it too 🙂

I had never experienced such complete darkness.  These days, when cities are lit up even at night, it was a gift for me. As soon as the light went out, the cosy sanctuary suddenly turned into an infinite space. Even though I ended my retreat early, which was very unexpected even for me, I understood and realised a great many things…

One of the many things the dark brought me was a kind of “little death” of my ego… which I only understood after I got back, and it was connected with ending the retreat early. I have also accepted myself, I have forgiven, I feel that everything is right just as it is, I don’t expect anything, I let things flow as they are, I’m grateful…. in short, “As within, so without.”

Thank you so much for a beautiful experience, and I trust this wasn’t my last dark retreat with you.

With love

Jana

Hi Tomáš and Lenča,

my dark retreat with you was absolutely amazing. I enjoyed the dark to the full. Unfortunately I only had 5 nights, and when the last evening came, I realised I didn’t want to come out at all. It just flew by.. I know I’ll be back next year, definitely for 7 to 10 nights.

The cabin is more than enough for this kind of retreat. The bed, where you spend a lot of time, felt perfect to me. The space in the cabin is ideal for exercising – a yoga mat fits in nicely. As for the shower and toilet, also ideal, they suited me completely.

The food was great and I have fond memories of the sweet finishing touches – I really enjoyed those… There was plenty of fruit too. The only thing I’ll bring next time is an eye mask: when the food is brought in, a little light gets into the room, which I dealt with by closing my eyes, but that’s just a small detail.

Otherwise, I’d recommend that participants bring some kind of musical instrument. I brought a small drum and it helped me a lot – one day I literally drummed my way through…

I will always remember my stay with you with nothing but gratitude, humility and love.

Thank you, and have lovely days

Michal

Why did I go into the Dark? 

I came into the Dark, if I may put it this way, for harmony between me: the Light and my Body… Unfortunately, it’s only from a certain stage of my life that I’ve been aware of the importance of my physical vessel, and that it is what allows me to experience and learn here and now.

There isn’t always a firm bond between my Soul and my Body; at times they each move on different levels, especially under stress…, and the result is weakness, illness….

This is my learning ground at the moment. I believe that what is spoken out loud enters reality. So I take this opportunity to apologise to my neighbours in the Dark, because sometimes I had to yell and cry at the top of my lungs.  And laugh too… regardless of the time…

Trees of life 

I knew, and it also happened, that I would use the White Light cleansing technique for this – energy where you work systematically upwards from your toes, mechanically at first. Focused on the breath; later the Universe takes over and guides the script so that it is in harmony with everyone’s development…. it is important to consciously ground yourself well into Mother Earth (otherwise you might take off and end up in the psychiatric hospital in Havlíčkův Brod instead of going home)

I am in harmony with the fact that we are Trees of life, connected to one another (which is why our surroundings mirror what we are living at the moment); our roots are linked to the core of the Earth and our crown to the Universe…

The Tree of Life has several gates; I want to mention the Gate of People at the diaphragm and the Gate of Gods at the throat… if energy doesn’t flow freely down and up, up and down, it stagnates and we set ourselves up for illness.

The Universe comes naturally to me, but only recently did I realise that the opposite direction is just as important… that’s the harmony I’m missing….

Respect and admiration

Right after the first day spent in the Dark  – enormous respect and admiration for blind people.

Admiration and respect for the strength and will to live of people who went through a concentration camp… at one moment I was suddenly lying on a hard plank bed in striped clothes, I was cold, I was hungry, I was fiddling in my pocket with my little crust of bread saved for even worse times, but somehow I was admirably strong, without fear, with faith in a good ending…

What I asked for, I got in the end…

My understanding came through my body, with all the consequences that are human and need not be named 🙂 . They kicked in fully when I opened the cabin door; I went through what you might call a restart…

Luckily my husband knows what it’s about; he stayed calm and looked after me. Now it will be up to me alone whether I bring the benefit of that realisation into my being here and now.

I’m a pessimist

It was a rather painful and surprising discovery that I don’t see the glass as half full but as half empty, and how that affects my whole being, my planning, my reactions.

I thought I’d sorted this out long ago…. certainly on some levels, yes, but we all know there are infinitely many levels… 🙂 I accept this fact, and in doing so I open the door for it to be able to change.

Realisations from my experiences

In dreams, and out of the Dark while fully conscious, long-forgotten memories surfaced, including unpleasant experiences – fundamental, life-defining ones. I respected that and allowed myself to say what I hadn’t said back then, at the top of my lungs. To live through them again…

I practised a lot of Ho´ oponopono… and did a few exercises from Qigong, which helped with my back pain and headaches. Next time I’ll definitely ask for nothing but fruit, nuts, tea… and buns to be brought to me 🙂

I thank my Body for its patience and kindness; only now can I lovingly say “I accept you”… To allow myself to let emotions out and enjoy it, in a good sense.

I am grateful for the abundance I am currently receiving in the material and the spiritual world, the joy of being, of little things, of motherhood… freedom, liberty, partnership… the opportunity to learn…

Peace, Humility and patience, the wisdom of the Mother of the lineage, Love without conditions

hugs

Ivana

I closed the door and leant casually against the wooden wall. There was no hurry. I looked into the darkness around me and confirmed that I could see nothing. The familiar song The Sound of Silence started playing in my head.

“Great, I’m here… Now what?”

Dark retreats have a long tradition and are organised all over the world. Unlike Tibetan monks, though, I didn’t spend four weeks in the dark but one. Even so, those seven days dragged on for at least a month.

I first read about these retreats in some magazine, possibly Forbes. I knew straight away that I would try it one day; I just somehow felt it. And you wouldn’t believe my surprise when, two years later, I found an envelope under the Christmas tree with a voucher that began with the mysterious words “I give you light, I give you darkness.”

The essence of darkness

On 15 April I arrived by train in Kutná Hora. Two hours of walking later, I reached a small village where I met Tomáš – my guide through the dark.

I climbed into the cabin, unpacked my things, memorised where everything was and switched off the light. Even after ten minutes I couldn’t make out the fingers of my hand a mere 15 centimetres from my eyes, and I had to come to terms with the essence of darkness – it’s dark.

The first question came to mind – what am I actually going to do here the whole time? Although in June 2017 I had completed a demanding ten-day meditation course, thanks to which I had almost unlearnt how to be bored, this was different. No routine to follow, no fixed dinner time to look forward to.

Nightlife

The point of the guides through the dark is that every day they bring food into the darkness and are there when you want to share your experiences or any problems you may run into in the dark. Tom or Lenka brought the food for the whole day at irregular times between eleven and three in the afternoon. That is so that you truly lose track of time.

The first 24 hours dragged on unbelievably

I had expected to spend the start of the retreat catching up on my sleep deficit, but my body decided to be awkward and stay awake. So I had to come up with an alternative programme.

I meditated, finished off my snack from the train, exercised and noted down the most interesting thoughts. (Yes, you can write in the dark too – you just tear the edge of the page at the point where you left off.)1 

At last there was a knock at the cabin door – the food had arrived! Apart from the first day, I could always tell exactly what I was tucking into and enjoyed a tasty feast. Showering and brushing my teeth were a great adventure. The best way to use toothpaste in the dark is to squeeze it straight into your mouth!

How did I spend my time in the Dark?

Among the activities I passed the time with, memories of childhood crept in too – of how full of enthusiasm I had been at primary school, and conversely how grammar school had drained my energy. I thought through new business strategies and my visions and plans.

I also practised lucid dreaming and leaving my body, but that is a chapter in itself. The dreams I had were incredibly colourful and vivid, as if my brain were compensating for the absence of light while awake.

Doing nothing

I realised that thinking about time, and about how much of the day or the retreat I had left, was stressing me. I felt best during meditation or at any other time when I wasn’t thinking about the past or the future.

In practice this confirmed for me the rule that all suffering is caused by thoughts. I was reminded of how bound we are by our alarm clocks and deadlines, and how little we enjoy what is happening right now.

My favourite exercise in the dark became doing nothing. You simply sit down and do nothing – no thinking, no physical exercise, nothing, you just are and stare ahead of you. It doesn’t seem like it, but it is far from easy. If you can keep this exercise up for even just 20 minutes without jumping up with the feeling that you have to do something, you can pat yourself on the back.

We have become so used to a constant stream of thoughts and activities. Over the last few centuries we have nurtured and perfected our ability to think critically and analyse, and we fail to realise that it is fine, and beneficial, to sometimes do nothing.

I saw the light

Once I had pushed out thoughts of time and truly immersed myself in the darkness, the rest of the retreat passed fairly quickly.

Based on other people’s accounts that I had read before the retreat, I was expecting all manner of hallucinations. All that came, though, was a flickering in my eyes, sometimes annoying, sometimes pleasant, which built up over the course of the retreat.

First I began to see a white light around my eyes, flashing intensely, like a strobe. In the following days the light turned yellow, and towards the end of the retreat it turned red and settled, no longer flickering. So when I lay down on the bed and wrote something in my notebook, it felt as though a small red lamp was shining from every direction.

Sometimes I also thought I could make out the outlines of objects in the cabin. I paid for that several times when, mid-step, expecting a good metre of space still, I banged my shin into the bed frame.

Rebirth

A week in the dark is, in my view, very beneficial, but definitely not beautiful – simply because in the dark you can’t see anything. Your dose of beauty and wonder won’t be denied you, though; you just have to wait seven days for it.

On the last day Lenka gave me an alarm clock set for 4:30 in the morning. The alarm went off, I got up, got dressed and, full of excitement and anticipation, opened the double doors leading out of the cabin.

Although the sun had not yet risen, after a week in absolute darkness the night outside seemed incredibly bright to me. A fresh breeze was blowing and the stars, unobscured by city smog, were shining beautifully. It was a gorgeous feeling, a kind of rebirth.

One by one the others came out of the other three cabins and we got talking. Then we sat down together at the edge of a nearby field and watched the sunrise. Moments like that are truly worth it.

My lesson from the dark

A dark retreat is an intense experience. I don’t know whether I should recommend it to you or not. I think it will come to you by itself, when the right moment arrives. And when the right moment does arrive, it will give you an awful lot.

Being alone with your thoughts for seven days is not something you experience in “ordinary” life. You become aware of things about yourself you had no idea of. You have time to go through and resolve your inner conflicts. You reset your body clock – you sleep when sleep comes to you and eat when you are hungry or fancy something. You recharge your bucket of energy and sort out your priorities.

Whether you are a lawyer, a cleaner, a traveller or a pilot, everyone takes something away from the dark – I believe that.

Into the dark with a wish? 

People often go into the dark with a specific wish, and perhaps you too have something in your life that you want to resolve. I had nothing specific to resolve, and maybe that is why nothing specific happened; there was no major breakthrough. And that is precisely the lesson I was probably meant to take away from the dark – that I should be content with small steps forward and not expect experiences that will turn my life upside down.

So, will I go again?

That remains to be seen; I’m not planning it for now, but perhaps I will come to miss the deep calm of the dark… Thank you, Mum, for this extraordinary experience…

Good evening, Leni and Tomáš.

The dark retreat was a turning point for me. It was as if I had gone through a total transformation. I didn’t notice it straight away, only now, a few weeks later…

Before I even arrived

I booked my darkness therapy at the end of May… I had no idea what would happen before I actually arrived…
One by one, thoughts came along to put me off… it’s too much money for you, you’ll have hardly any holiday left, your son who lives in Scotland is coming home on holiday at exactly that time… and others… until it all came to a head with my older son’s mental illness…

I was in a panic about him and thought about cancelling my dark retreat. I only made up my mind on the very last day. I wouldn’t have been able to help my son in that state anyway. Tomáš’s words gave me support: “First you need to be all right yourself, and then you can help your son”.

How did my first days go? 

On the first day I was in no hurry to turn off the light. I got to know the space and laid out my things so I could find them easily later. I didn’t switch the light off until around nine in the evening. I was very tired from the stressful days before and fell asleep straight away.

I probably woke up early in the morning, at the time I’m used to getting up for work (I get up at around five). I know how the body clock works, and for the first few days I roughly went by it. So when I woke up for the first time, I decided it was still early and went back to sleep. After that I only estimated the time roughly.

Not knowing what time it was didn’t bother me at all.

On the first day I was bored. I exercised, I sang to myself (I realised how few songs I know…), I waited for food. And I waited, curious about what would come next, what would happen… nothing happened… when I asked to become aware of anything at all, the answer I got was: “When you get beyond the mind, the answer will come”. So I let my thoughts flow and let them go.

The second night

On the 2nd night, from Sunday to Monday, a physical cleansing began, although I didn’t realise it yet. An unpleasant backache kept waking me up. I thought it was because of the first day of inactivity, so on Monday morning I did a lot of exercise and loosened the sore spots with stretches. The pain disappeared during the day. But the very next day, towards morning, I was woken by a sharp pain in my stomach. I work with Reiki, so with the help of this energy I dissolved the pain again. Gradually a stubborn headache developed, and around lunchtime I felt feverish. I snuggled up in my sleeping bag and fell asleep. When I woke up, I didn’t feel anything any more. On Wednesday morning (that is, after I woke up) the cleansing ended with mild diarrhoea. From then on I felt fine.

Answers to my questions

I started meditating more. Answers to my questions came, sometimes straight away, sometimes in the form of a dream. Visions came about some areas of my life, as well as guidance on how to move forward in situations I had been unable to decide on. When anxiety came up along with thoughts of my sick son, breathing helped me… I breathed through the words
LIGHT – LOVE, breathing them through the individual chakras, or I used the ancient triple sound AUM…

What did I take away from the darkness? 

During the retreat I strongly felt Love, Humility and Gratitude for everything that is… I filled my soul with calm and peace and practised patience… all of these had been my weak points until then…
I understood what it means to be truly present. I brought what I had learnt and become aware of into everyday life. I let go of worrying about what hasn’t happened yet, and I deal with a situation only when it actually comes.

Thanks to the strength, calm and balance I drew on and learnt to find during the dark retreat, I was able to cope with very difficult situations that followed almost immediately after I got home… from just about every area of life… as if an avalanche had buried me… so very hard….

About the practical side I’ll just add: the food was good. Instead of tea I asked Lenka for hot water. I had my own tea and coffee substitute, a mug and a spoon, and made my own tea or Caro.

I felt good in the Dark. I felt calm and safe.

Leni and Tom, thank you so much for the chance to go through this experience…

With Love
Dana

Hello Tomáš and Lenka,

I think back on my dark retreat and on you with love and great gratitude, and I love talking about it (which, oddly enough, comes easier to me than writing).

The darkness gave me exactly what it was meant to give me, and it hit exactly where it needed to. Only now, a year and a half later, can I smile at how furious my ego was, and how much it hurt, over a few sentences you said to me. I couldn’t bear it, I was angry and I was shouting no, no, that’s not how it is, they’re lying to me. Honestly, I felt you had ruined my dark retreat and that I never wanted to see or hear from you again. But that’s exactly what I went there for 😀 It took me a very long time to realise it had nothing to do with you, that this was what I needed, and that I had asked you for it long before!

Thank you!

Wishing you peaceful days, Lucie

Hi,

in short, day by day it went: boring, boring, boring, aha, damn, AHA, thank you, darkness.

The first days really were boring, maybe because I’ve been working on myself for years, ever
since my partner nearly died. Up to the third day I was genuinely bored,
then the visions came: I was flying through stone cellars and a cross
carved in stone kept appearing to me in two versions, Christian and Celtic.
In the evening my eyes hurt unbelievably, so I decided to keep them closed
until the end.

There really is a difference between walking in the dark with your eyes closed or open 🙂 . With my eyes closed I found my way without bumping into things, and the other way round, from which I concluded that I rely on my sight too much, so in life too I try to feel rather than look.

What did I take with me? The only thing I took was a notebook for writing things down, but no toys, so that I’d be alone with my subconscious.

What did I gain?

• • The awareness that I am a loved child, even though my childhood was terrifying.
  • I’ve grown up – I’m 42 – in my relationship with my father; at last I behave as if
    he had already died.
  • Two guides appeared to me, a good wolf and a bad wolf, and they are still with me.
  • I made friends with my inner child; it is incredibly playful and
    has the power to heal.
  • My inner dialogue has calmed down; even when I find myself in an emotionally wild
    situation around me, I’m able to analyse it calmly and help others.

Stanislav