I admit I’ve always been on the fearful side, and naturally I was afraid of the dark retreat too. Surprisingly, though, only until I actually started it and switched off the light. Like everyone, probably, I couldn’t imagine seven days alone in the dark, even though in everyday life I have no problem at all spending a lot of time on my own. Nor could I imagine that I’d turn down a conversation with the guide and not want to talk to anyone. I couldn’t imagine that I wouldn’t want to come out of the dark.
A dark retreat in reality
The reality was that at first I approached my dark retreat a bit like a military exercise, but after 2-3 days that dissolved completely and I began to experience incredibly deep and pleasant meditations. I abandoned the military exercise, because a situation where this kind of deprivation is used as torture is very different from a dark retreat as darkness therapy, where they bring you incredibly tasty food and treat you kindly and in a friendly way. The meditations themselves weren’t the best part, though. After meditating I would usually lie down for a while (I’d guess 30 min. to 2 hours) and experience something I can’t quite describe precisely – basically the meditation itself carried on even deeper. A religious person, which I’m not in the true sense of the word, would probably describe it as being “touched by God”. What happened to me was that I experienced (or didn’t experience) NOTHING. No thoughts, emotions, fears, worries, but no surges of happiness either, no joy in the sense we know it from everyday life. And yet in this state tears very often ran down my face, together with a feeling of bliss, and I felt something I had never felt before and couldn’t even have imagined. Or maybe I had felt it, when I was in love, but this was in its own way a kind of conscious love.
A dark retreat within myself
Quite often I felt that I didn’t even want anyone to come to me, but even so, once or twice I asked Tomáš for a conversation, which thanks to his considerable sensitivity and openness and my own sensitivity and openness (which in my case was brought on by the darkness) was of great benefit to me, and I thank you very much for those moments, Tomáš!
Expecting a crisis during the dark retreat
To sum up, I’d say I was prepared for a crisis that would surely come and that I’d have to fight. All the more surprised I was when no crisis came. It certainly wasn’t easy, but – fear as such, the urge to switch on the light, leave early, pack it in – never showed up once. On the last night I couldn’t sleep, because I knew I was leaving in the morning and I didn’t want to go. I was looking forward to seeing my family, very much so, but maybe because my dark retreat went fairly smoothly, I didn’t feel like coming out in the slightest.
I fell in love all over again
Coming home was incredible – my wife was once again the most beautiful woman of all, and I fell in love again as if I were 15. I took in every word she said and enjoyed every little step our daughter took. Pure, pure beauty. For the future I’m already thinking about a longer retreat, or the same retreat combined with fasting.
Thank you both very much!
Aleš
