It was several years ago that I first heard about darkness therapy, and it really caught my interest. Back then, though, I wasn’t ready for a dark retreat, and gradually the idea faded. Over the last few months I began to feel that my demanding lifestyle (manager, athlete) was wearing me down, and I no longer connected my daily habits with joy and enthusiasm the way I used to. I couldn’t find any time for myself and I kept my mind constantly busy with superficial activities. A stereotyped life full of negative thoughts had brought me to a feeling of inner emptiness, and all that at the age of 28. I started to feel it was time to do something fundamental, and the idea of a dark retreat came back into my head.
I chose the place for my dark retreat carefully
I read through several websites, and even though I live on the other side of the country, I was struck by the warmth and openness with which Tom and Lenča present themselves on their site. So I was immediately clear about where my dark retreat would be.
Before I arrived for my dark retreat
My retreat “began” 4 days before it started, as soon as I got confirmation of a free slot for 5 days (6 nights). From then on I couldn’t think about anything else, and my head was constantly churning with thoughts about what I would do there and what was waiting for me; fear alternated with excitement and euphoria. But I was fully determined to go into the dark and felt it was the right thing to do.
Describing the feelings, thoughts, visions and experiences that came during the dark retreat would make for a very long story, and they are hard to put into words. In general, though, I lived through many moments that I experienced for the first time in my life, and that you can’t even reach in the real world. And for those moments alone it was worth going into the dark.
After the dark retreat
I didn’t go into the dark with any specific goal; I wanted to let everything flow somehow on its own. What drove me forward was the thought of the endless possibilities that might arise. A bit like when I was a child opening a Kinder Surprise egg and excitedly imagining everything that could be inside.
After returning to normal life I didn’t feel any major changes, until several people told me I came across as more balanced. I hadn’t really noticed it myself, but I thought about it and realised that I see a lot of things differently.
I started to think more about my feelings and wasn’t afraid to spend time just with myself. For example: after many years I found time for a quiet walk alone in the park, where I lay down on a bench and watched everything around me. Something that used to seem completely pointless to me.
Darkness therapy helped me calm down
I stopped rushing so much and I try to manage my time rather than letting it manage me. I look at situations with more perspective (a traffic jam won’t disappear because I’m angry about running late). Of course, these things don’t happen automatically, I’m just more aware of them.
I started thinking more about my activities and what they mean for my mind and body. I want to bring back the joy from volleyball that I used to feel when I left a game with friends. Because I miss that childlike excitement over little things and being absorbed in even the most ordinary thing.
The most important thing, though, is that since the dark retreat I’m more aware of my feelings in certain situations, I think about where a feeling comes from and how to replace it with a better one.
I certainly haven’t mentioned all the effects the darkness had on me, but these are the biggest ones.
To sum up: Darkness in itself is an absolutely magical, safe and beautiful thing. The fear and worry about the dark are created only in our heads, our imagination and our thoughts. The dark retreat was the most consciously spent time of my life. On the other hand, it was also the hardest test I have ever been through. I’m really proud of myself.
Many thanks to Tom and Lenča for our talks, which gave me strength for the days that followed, and a special thank you to Lenča for her truly exclusive cooking, which I’m still savouring in my thoughts today 🙂
Tomáš
