So, dear Tom and Lenka,
has it really been a month since my dark retreat? That gave me quite a shock, but given that every day is so packed, I’m not really surprised..
For a few months I played with the idea of a dark retreat
My story is a prosaic one: I got the feeling I should go into the dark, played with it for a few months and then started looking for where to go. Judging by your website, yours felt the most heartfelt, somehow without unnecessary glitz and clutter, so I got in touch. I was very glad that the earliest date I could get was six months away, because I knew something still had to happen for me to enjoy the dark retreat…lots of things happened and I grew stronger and stronger, until I felt I was starting to look forward to it and to be curious about myself. The fears I’d had six months earlier had gone, and lots of things had already resolved themselves just through the decision to take a look at myself – this is who I am – and, if it works out, maybe to get clear on what I’d like to do with my life in the years ahead.
I walked to my dark retreat
The arrival was amazing: I came (on foot) with a heavy rucksack and out of breath, so my only concerns were a shower, food and switching off the light. Tomáš explained how everything works, it all seemed easy to understand (and so it was in reality), so I showered, ate and switched off the light straight away. I waited to see what would happen, nothing came, just a feeling that I should get to know the room and find out whether I might make up some fear for myself since none was showing up ha ha so I crawled under the bed, walked along the walls, went to the loo and nothing anywhere…so I tell myself I’ll lie down and sleep…and nothing…no tiredness anywhere, my eyes wide open, now and then I did a bit of exercise, a bit of meditation and tried to guess what time it was….because I was hungry again ha ha ..The next day Tomáš brought me food, I tried not to eat it all at once, and then I just lay there again, dozing…strange dreams came…I woke from some of them frightened, but then I realised I didn’t have to deal with that fear, and I felt fine…I woke from one dream in tears and asked for forgiveness from the people I felt that towards…it was amazing !!! I cried really loudly, I talked out loud to myself…nobody saw me, nobody heard me, and I wasn’t bothering about anyone either, just that feeling of forgiveness…not much else happened, just a feeling that there is no need to do anything, not even to move…a feeling of empty space-time in which I’m somehow just hanging 🙂
When I got back I came down with an eye infection, which helped me no end to spend another fortnight looking not outwards but inwards…every day I give thanks for everything I’m given, and I’m grateful that I could take this pause, which came at just the right time and flowed seamlessly on from my whole previous life, both spiritual and physical.
Friends, if it calls to you, don’t be afraid – once you make the decision, by the time your turn in the dark comes, most things will have sorted themselves out 🙂
Wishing you all beautiful lives, Maru 🙂
