pocccHi Tomáš and Lenka,
thank you once again for your darkness and the regular visits.
My second darkness was different
This time I walked from Bykáň on my own. In Úmonín I trusted my sense of direction, and at the end of the village I carried straight on along a field track, but to the neighbouring village 🙂 . By then I didn’t feel like going back, so I cut across the fields.
I wasn’t as nervous as the first time
I have to say I perceived the darkness differently, in a friendlier way. I accepted it, and you could tell from my inner state and my inner mood… I looked into the darkness differently, and physically I didn’t need to have the heating turned up so high.
After my first dark retreat, when Tomáš gave me the tip to accept the unpleasant things too, to watch them, not distract myself and not fight them, that’s what I do, and I did it in my second darkness too.
For the first three and a half days I enjoyed it like a holiday. I was in a great mood, with just tiny ups and downs that I observed.
On the fourth day after eating I was lying on my back and a slightly unpleasant feeling came. A feeling that I didn’t have enough oxygen. Even though I knew from experience that I had enough oxygen and could have the heating on instead of the air conditioning (more peace and quiet, and in my first darkness my body needed heat).
A passing feeling came over me
Then I turned over onto my right side, and a very strong unpleasant feeling came that I’d leave tomorrow, maybe even today. Thoughts kept coming that there’s no need to overdo anything, that other people had also left their second darkness early, that I’d already tried and enjoyed everything there and that there’d be nothing new. After a few seconds it began to settle, and after a few hours I felt fine again, just like at the start of the week.
I realised that it had been pretty interesting. That it actually wanted to get me out on the basis of some sort of evidence and reasons, but in reality I was OK. I didn’t need anything, I was fine, as if I weren’t one, but those thoughts and emotions were separate and wanted something else.
Otherwise I like to look back on my dark retreat, and thanks to it I also know that life is really about acceptance and about where we direct our attention.
Take care 🙂
Honza
