Don’t bring too much with you

Feeling completely charged with energy and fully aware of the present moment is an experience that few people take home from a dark retreat with such ease. We’re pleased to introduce the experience of a man who set out to our cabin to explore his inner world. He prepared for the journey for a long time, but the moment to actually do it came when it made the most sense. Read how he lived through the days in absolute silence and solitude, why he left with bags full of food, and what lesson he is taking away for his everyday life.

A Christmas present that waited for years

I first heard about this experience when I was seventeen. From then on I longed for it and took an interest in it, but the right moment to consciously decide on it never came. Everything changed only when I got a voucher for Christmas from my wife. At that moment I told myself this was it, it’s here, and now I have to pick a date. I wanted to do it almost as soon as possible. With hindsight I can see that everything came along nicely and smoothly. If I’d gone at seventeen, I wouldn’t have benefited from it as much as I do now.

Originally I planned to stay just under a week, or more precisely a week minus one day, because I chose myself to finish a day early. I’d heard of it as a week, so I told myself I’d go for it straight away. I discussed it with an AI, which did tell me that in the case of any anxiety states it’s better to do just three days, but nothing of the sort happened to me. I knew in advance that I’d leave a day early, because I wanted to have one more day just for myself without having to go straight back into the normal routine.

When time slows down to a crawl

I felt calm and settled from about the moment I arrived. The first two days I probably slept through, like most people. Then three days passed as if with a snap of the fingers. But then it gradually started to slow down. Duties started coming back to me, things I’d have to do, or that I’d forgotten someone in connection with some project. Just small things, but on that last day time slowed down a lot. It was quite long, because by then I was expecting to come out.

But those thoughts certainly didn’t disturb me. What I did was write everything down on a piece of paper so I could come back to it later. Then I somehow breathed through it and let it go. I didn’t even feel that I had no contact with the world. On the contrary, I felt that the world was actually inside me. I didn’t experience a single anxious moment. But I experienced dreams very intensely. Every night I had one or more dreams and I always remembered them. On the last night I discovered that most of those dreams are really connected to some deep fear, that they probably stem from it.

I’m taking nuts and mandarins back home

If you’re planning to come here, don’t bring a load of nonsense with you, because you won’t need it anyway. That’s the first thing that comes to mind. I brought lots of clothes and a few things to keep myself occupied. My wife prepared little bags of nuts for me, messages written with a hot glue gun, some squishy toys, and she bought me a rubber breast. Honestly, I never even took that out, and I completely failed to read the glue gun message. The only thing I used the whole time was a kind of ball that I passed between my fingers.

All the mandarins, nuts and cheeses I bought, I’m taking home. I found that when I’m calm all day, my energy expenditure is almost zero and I don’t need to eat so much. I made a ritual of having muesli for breakfast and then living all day off the food you brought me. Which, by the way, was really excellent, and I had no craving for meat at all, and I still don’t feel it now.

What darkness therapy gave me

I feel full of energy and completely charged up. I’ll keep observing for a while what it actually did to me, but I’d say I feel good. Overall I think I’m doing everything right and should simply carry on. There’s nothing specific I want to focus on right now. I’ve been getting into this spiritual circle for some time, going round in it and just exploring it in more depth.

Of course, everyone has a different reason for going into something like this. It’s very individual and depends on whether you have a reason for it or whether you just want to observe yourself, your inner world, and learn to be still with yourself for a while in today’s age of distraction. For me it was a great dark retreat and I enjoyed it very much.