Dear Lenka and Tomáš,
for several days now I’ve been thinking about writing down my feelings about the dark retreat, but somehow I still can’t find the words; the thoughts and feelings are so confusing.
The best way I could put it all is as a feeling…..I know that I know nothing .
The dark retreat and how it began
About a year ago I listened to an intuitive calling and found information about dark retreats. I looked things up on the internet, read through articles, found you, booked a date, paid the deposit, received the confirmation, and only then did I ask myself what on earth I had done……the start date is so far away.
From that moment on there was one ever-present thought: I’m going on a dark retreat. Somehow everything around me sped up, everything was ending, closing, coming to a head, and it exhausted me incredibly. I felt that the dark retreat would be a new beginning for me, and so I had to close everything, finish everything and not take anything with me…..and that is how it went.
The day of the dark retreat came: fear, exhaustion from everything I’d been through, confusion, but also a slightly joyful anticipation – everything will change, from now on it will only get better.
In the cabin I found my bearings, had a shower, turned out the light, sat down on the bed and felt happy – I’m here and everything can begin……I connected with the cabin, the place, the darkness and left everything to the universe…..I managed to fall asleep…….
Waking up, and at the same time a voice in my head that then stayed right until the end of the retreat. Waking up was a shock for me: fear, despair, hopelessness, panic and the urge to run away. I don’t even know why I didn’t run and managed to wait for Lenka to come. I just cried that I couldn’t cope and wanted to go home……. Lenka sat down beside me, stroked me and told me I could leave …..I see that as the turning point; she simply shared my fear with me, she didn’t try to talk me round, didn’t diagnose me or judge me, and offered to come back to me once more. I said no, and we agreed I would try to manage until the next day.
I made it through the next day, and Tomáš came and we had another talk. Something was happening between the three of us…I had the feeling that we were meant to meet and the dark retreat was just the instrument of that meeting. Perhaps it was meant to be, and I spent the next three days connected with Lenka and Tomáš, and everything changed on the day Lenka brought me food, told me everything she felt was necessary and hugged me. In that hug there was love, understanding and above all compassion and release. The days that followed were only about me, my life, my illusions, expectations, ideas.
I am lost and unhappy
I realised how lost and unhappy and exhausted I was. Today I know I needed to feel it, so that I’d stop falsely pretending I was coping with everything, so that I’d stop constantly pushing myself – you must, you’ll manage……just this and then that – and where is the joy of simply being.
The darkness and Me. Very soon I had the feeling that darkness is just the absence of light….as if I saw everything and didn’t see it, it’s an indescribable feeling. The darkness allowed me to fall apart, to cry gallons of tears, to release the brakes of pain and despair. In the dark I exercised, meditated, hovered on the edge between waking and sleep, sang, danced, drew……..the darkness isn’t limiting, it’s just as inspiring as light.
The voice in my head during the dark retreat
The voice in my head……well, this will be a long chapter. There was no running away from it; it lied, it whispered, it always latched on to something and spun a story….the turning point and the voice of the heart: who keeps going to the cinema to watch the same film over and over, and such rubbish at that . Am I the voice in my head, how do I identify with it, how does it affect my life, my health, my reality…who can change that voice, how much space does it take up in my life…..it was a strange game, and I lived through in my own soul what I’d heard and read so many times and never understood. Now I have lived it through, I understand a bit more, and I can influence my reality, how I feel, how I see myself.
The darkness and food. I’ll just write here what everyone else does…. Lenka’s cooking, cooking with love, enchanting…. But what really surprised me was a kind of strange connection with food, or with myself, I honestly don’t know…..I always ate exactly as much as I needed and not a spoonful more. That really surprised me. A festive moment for me was drinking the herbal teas, when through the herbs I was able to get outside and feel connected with the universe – I managed it every time I drank tea. Those were enchanting moments.
When the retreat ended I was incredibly looking forward to going home to my loved ones, and I was on top of the world that I could simply be, simply be in love.
After the dark retreat I’m learning everything again
How I live today. As if after a breakdown. I’m learning everything again, how to look at myself, at the world, at everything limiting, everything inspiring……I really don’t know. I’ve left a lot of pain, fear and worry behind me……I’m walking shyly towards joy, love, sharing, creating, being. I’m taking small steps, everything is somehow new and still hard to describe….as I wrote at the beginning…I know that I know nothing.
From my heart I thank you for letting me fall apart, and for the feeling of hope.
Take good care of yourselves.
With love and respect, Anna
P.S. The name of the dark retreat participant has been changed to protect her anonymity.
