Hi Tom and Lenka,
so I’ve finally sat down at the laptop and I’m writing to you…..
in short, I could write:
I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT
I EXPECTED SO MUCH
I SUFFERED SO MUCH
I GAINED SO MUCH
I had known about darkness therapy for about two years, but the decision crystallised gradually, and in November I booked a week for June.
Oh, that waiting …. the moment I decided, I was so looking forward to it that I couldn’t wait to settle into the darkness and have a week of doing nothing just for myself. I had already experienced several extrasensory moments when I was able to peek beneath the veil of forgetting and connection …. and so I was expecting mainly this “communication”. I thought that because I’m constantly on some merry-go-round of work, household, people around me and so on, I have no chance to devote myself to my spirituality, to rest from the rush of ordinary days and to connect with myself.
And then came the dark retreat
So the time came and I was standing in front of my cabin. I had just come off a night shift, and then I always feel as if I’ve been hit over the head with a sack 🙂 So I felt achy, sluggish and in a way “dull” that day too….
Tom gave me the instructions: to settle in and, when I was ready, to switch off the light myself, and that when the feeling of anxiety came that would drive me out of the dark (apparently it almost always comes), I should try to calm down and breathe through it so that I could carry on.
Already as I walked into the cabin I was telling myself: “you’re completely barmy, Ali … you won’t manage this … it’s “brutal”, that darkness is literally so thick that not even Rákosníček could cut through it” 🙂 Today I smile humbly when I remember those mixed feelings of fear, anxiety and uncertainty.
So I unpacked the few clothes and toiletries I had brought and put them away so that I could find them without trouble all week, showered while the light was still on so that I could “feel out” everything, and … SWITCHED OFF and went to sleep ….
…. suddenly I woke up … that absolute darkness was so thick and HEAVY that I could really feel its weight on my chest, I couldn’t even breathe and out of fear that it would suffocate me, I shot out of bed in a frenzy and slapped along the wall in the corridor for the switch THERE WAS NO TIME FOR BREATHING THROUGH IT – sorry Tom :))) … I found it … switched on the light … opened the cabin door … and breathed in terror … I could hear in the distance the laughter of Tom and Lenka’s children playing by the pool, it was already dusk … nobody had any idea what I was going through right then … I found that only half an hour had passed, I texted my neighbour that I probably wouldn’t manage it and that we’d soon be having coffee together at home again, and went for the “SECOND ATTEMPT”
From that moment on I never interrupted the process of healing in the dark again, even though I often came close to it.
I no longer had the feeling of the heaviness and density of the darkness. I perceived the days only by the food arriving.
On the first day I slept 6 times, and on the following days about 4 times a day.
Interestingly, I didn’t have a single dreamless sleep. The dreams came and were really vivid, and the interesting thing was that in them I was often aware that I was in the dark, as if it were connected, and as if each day were dedicated to one chakra. On the first day I had dreams about grounding, I am… I see … in the dream I saw everything, many faces, many people, many souls, and in the dream I was deeply aware of the being of the body, of matter; I was thrilled that I could see quite clearly in the dark (in the dream) and wanted to shout it out loud.
On the second day I had erotic dreams, all connected with sexuality.
The third day was the hardest, the ego, the manifestation of the ego … FEAR, I was even afraid to fall asleep, the dreams were so vivid, so overwhelming, dreams about crocodiles, about sharks… they were destroying me and my loved ones, about fire, about water …they were showing me my dependence on my life, my clinging to it (which of course only dawned on me much later, in hindsight), I was afraid for my sons, afraid that I wouldn’t know whether they were all right, whether they had crashed their motorbikes, that nobody would let me know because I hadn’t told their father where I was going, only the boys knew and my neighbour … but what if they both crash on the same motorbike? who will tell me? What kind of mother am I? In the dream I saw them injured, after an operation, in pain … the younger one was telling me: “Mum, my leg hurts” … and I saw a thigh bone screwed together after an operation. One of the worst moments of my darkness therapy.
I hadn’t come to the dark retreat for no reason
That day I told Lenka, who brought me the food, that I would leave in the morning. She said a sentence that was motivating for me: “I thought you’d say that. Do as you wish, I’ll tie up the dog for the night so he doesn’t jump all over you, you can leave at any time without having to tell us, but it would be a shame, you’re here for a reason. You didn’t come here for no reason ” She didn’t have time to chat that day, she was in a hurry, but she gave me a moment to tell me that I can’t influence what happens in the world and I can’t have everything under control all the time, and I suddenly understood that in fact I have nothing under control, and that’s how it should be. And I stayed.
On the following days I was bored; time passed so slowly that I jokingly told myself that our planet was being invaded by aliens who were playing with us and dilating time to suit their whims. The only way I could keep track of time was when I heard some voices of children, birds, aeroplanes and a family of some kind of weasels or mice playing on the roof of the cabin; I said to myself “my neighbour won’t leave me in peace even here :)))) …I called out her name and said jokingly out loud: ” …hi, welcome … :))) “, when I heard nothing, it was night. that was my entire awareness of the world outside the cabin.
I often laughed at myself, I cried, I talked to myself, sometimes I even wanted to sing, but somehow I couldn’t, the food was great and there was plenty. I’m quite a big eater, but I was surprised that in the dark the need to eat is far smaller. I lost 2 kg (which of course I’ve already got back 🙂
Otherwise, for the whole of the retreat I had tremendous pain in my back and neck and headaches. I often suffer from these normally too, but here I had more than my fill of them.
On the fourth and fifth day I could see … I was astonished. A dark red light very clearly lit up part of me and the room and I saw my hand moving the door. I repeated the movement several times, I was so thrilled. It lasted about 10 seconds. It was amazing, I literally enjoyed it with delight. Tomáš later said that this is how the third eye opens … but mine probably closed straight away when, all excited, I walked forehead-first into the door frame :). Then I saw red twice more, once when I was drying myself after a shower and the whole little corridor – the bathroom – was lit up, and I saw myself opening and closing the door of the shower cubicle and I could see the outlines of the whole corridor, the toilet, the washbasin, the walls … gorgeous. and then a third, weaker sensation back in the room, but there the light wasn’t so bright any more.
Throughout darkness therapy there are light effects of white and bluish light. These didn’t light up the space for me, though; it was like car headlights shining into thick fog – you can’t see anything, but you perceive the light. So these light effects came every day; sometimes it looked as if light were coming through the slats of a window blind, but there isn’t one there :)))
Once, when I was sitting on the meditation cushion, it might have been the 5th or 6th day, I sensed and out of the corner of my eye could even see a dense cone of white light above my head. So large that its narrowest part touched and fully covered my head. I felt a pleasant warmth entering me together with the light. This phenomenon seemed long to me. I was fully aware of it all, I felt calm and warmth, but without emotion.
The last day was the longest, as if it didn’t want to end. I was even angry and desperate that I couldn’t sleep any more (I was over-slept, in pain and looking forward to the morning) … it just wasn’t possible.
Eventually the day passed and I stepped outside before four in the morning and staggered around like a drunk for a good quarter of an hour. When the eyes start processing all that information again after a break, it’s probably too much for the brain :)))) I hadn’t expected that :)))) I didn’t know that, I hadn’t read about it …. :))))) … that was a surprise :)))
I am grateful for the dark retreat
For most of the retreat I was in pain and time dragged. That’s what I felt most of all, probably – the futility of what I was doing and the foolishness and presumption of my expectations 🙂 The experiences I’m now writing to you about here in wonder somehow didn’t fully register with me at the time; in terms of time they didn’t fill the percentage of my expectations, nor of the day as a whole. I mainly perceived the pain, the boredom and anger at myself for not being somewhere in the sunshine recharging my “batteries” instead. This perception was probably the strongest. That’s why I said quite openly: never again. I WILL NEVER DO SOMETHING SO STUPID AGAIN :)))))
Tomáš kept me company throughout my therapy and I am immensely grateful to him for everything he told me, even though he often annoyed me with his attitude and opinions. Whatever I talked about, he was always in opposition, always as if he wanted to catch me out on something; I felt as if he wanted to force something on me that I didn’t want, that isn’t mine … once I even politely banished him from my rented cabin … :))))))) that surprised him :)))))))) but I always looked forward to him coming again … Tom, sorry, but you know :)))))))) I think you needed that from me too.
It helped me a lot. I owe it to you and to the darkness that I realised … I made peace with my parents, especially with my dad, and I’m really happy about it. Thank you.
The angels, and even my soul, didn’t speak to me the way I’d hoped … that made me sad, that my expectation wasn’t fulfilled. As if they’d left me there and were laughing at me. That’s how I felt there. They didn’t answer my questions. I was angry with them; in the dark I also cried a lot. How hard life is on me, how it lets me suffer all these “many” years … and I have no help, only I myself have to help myself.
But the MIRACLE came afterwards. THE REWARD 🙂
on the second day after the dark, that feeling came … LOVE … something that can’t be described in words … I experienced true love from the source … AGAPE love … an indescribably beautiful feeling of all-embracing love; I felt so free, so liberated, so light, wonderful, as if I perceived every moment, every gust of wind, every drop of rain, every ray of sunshine … unbelievably beautiful moments … and then I went to work 🙂 … no, I’m joking, as always … work didn’t end that feeling … it just left by itself after three days. But I know how to feel it, how to reconnect to the broken thread … once I find it again :))))
But the effect of darkness therapy is still running…even now, and it will run every tomorrow too. NOW THAT’S GOOD NEWS 🙂
Overall, in the dark I released deep fears and let go of some of my attachments; I’m calmer, I don’t fret as much as I used to, as if I don’t care quite so much, I let “it” be. But it’s not all clear and smooth yet, I still have to work on myself 🙂 , I still let myself get carried away by emotions and feelings … I still have things to process.
Gradually I went through the opinions from “never again”, via “it really was good for something” and “really good” to “I’ll go once more” :))))))
So that’s all I wanted to tell you all about my darkness therapy. I could go on, I have so many impressions, but I think that even so I may have written too much here already 🙂
Take care, and if you decide to heal yourself with darkness, I wish you what you need – to each their own 🙂
Many thanks to Tomáš and Lenka for everything, and above all for being who they are 🙂 and also for the recipe for that great dessert 🙂
Bye, Alča
