Seven days in the dark, and for the very first time in her life. This time we bring you the experience of a woman who didn’t go on a dark retreat to escape the world, but to move forward. She had to wait almost four days for the first impressions and the first stillness, she kept losing her bearings in the space, and more than once she was angry at the darkness. What did those seven days give her, and why is gratitude and humility what she takes away from the dark above all?
I am grateful that I can see
I feel lovely right now, wonderful. I am grateful that I can see. And there’s so much greenery here, so there’s plenty to look at.
I was really looking forward to it, the whole time. The full seven days felt pretty endless. But I’m glad I stuck it out and that I came to certain realisations. And I expect more will surface that I’m not able to put into words just yet.
A dark retreat of seven days straight away
I was there for a week and it was my first experience of the dark. I never considered going for just three nights, say. I had read and heard that people mostly sleep through the first two nights. So I thought it might not have the same depth as seven days. If I was going to do it, I’d just go for the seven, to get closer to myself.
It took an eternity
I did get closer to myself, but it took an eternity. I’d been here since Saturday evening, and the first impressions, the stillness and the realisations only began on Wednesday towards evening. Three and three-quarter days.
Gradually the space began to change for me; in the dark I saw it completely differently. And by that Wednesday I was probably both: quietened and more sensitive.
Darkness therapy: I wanted to move forward
I don’t think it’s only people who dislike the world who go into the dark. The dark drew me. Six months ago I changed jobs, and before that change it drew me even more, because I wasn’t happy in that job. Now I am happy, and still I told myself the dark would surely lead me to some kind of inner shift. It wasn’t that I’d stopped enjoying life. I just wanted to move forward.
I was actually making the decision six months ago. Back then, out of that dissatisfaction, I needed to change direction, and that’s why I wanted to go into the dark. But I was starting a new job where I couldn’t go anywhere straight away, so I told myself I’d go as soon as I could. And then I convinced myself that the dark definitely had something to offer me and something to show me in various areas of my life.
Dawn, tea and a bumblebee on the doorstep
The dawn was lovely, but expected. I’d been looking forward to it so much, and then it wasn’t quite such a wow. I walked round that amazing garden, and it was only after my shower, once I’d made a cup of tea, sat down quietly with it on the bench on the doorstep, gazed up into the treetops and listened to the birds all around, that it was utterly beautiful. A bumblebee buzzed past too.
Even in the sanctuary the sounds were faintly audible; I’d use the birds, for instance, to work out whether it was day yet. But when you hear it at full volume, it’s something else entirely.
More clarity will come in everyday life
This time I didn’t need to make a decision about work, because I’d already changed that. I wouldn’t say I have more clarity now. I think that will come in ordinary life. I hope I’ll be clearer in my decisions.
I kept losing my bearings
In practical terms, for me it was a real pain. You’re searching for everything. I liked lying on the bed best, because that was a kind of certainty. I thought of my daughter, who is terribly messy, and how even she would have to keep things tidy in there. Otherwise you simply can’t find your way around, you can’t orient yourself. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, so when I did, it was to do several things at once.
It was manageable, but I’d lose my bearings even standing still, in that space. I’d think I had turned 180 degrees, and I hadn’t. When I turned back, things weren’t where they were supposed to be. It was hard, and plenty of times I was genuinely angry at the darkness for being so impenetrable. Why can’t there at least be a faint half-light, at least enough to see outlines? When I went to the toilet, say, I knew there was a strip on the floor, so my right foot belonged on the strip.
Gratitude and humility
What I’m definitely carrying from the dark retreat into everyday life is gratitude. Gratitude and humility. That we really don’t appreciate the fact that we can see, that we can live, that we can listen.
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