I first heard about the dark retreat several years ago. The moment I saw the transformation that the process brought about in a person who had been through it, I knew that one day it would be waiting for me too. Not because I had to, but because I want to know what comes next. Days, months and years went by and the interest faded away. I can’t say entirely – somewhere in my subconscious the thought was still there – but I forgot about it.
The Léčba tmou website
Until one day, while browsing the internet, I visited the “Léčba tmou” website just out of curiosity, and that was it. I have to go, and as soon as possible. The site was clear and I found everything I needed to know there. In my impatience I looked straight away at the available dates. I was taken aback that the nearest date was several months away, with just one place left. The next one was several months later still. I thought to myself: that one’s for me, it’s waiting for me.
To make a booking you had to pay a fee, and then I was on the booking list. 🙂 Clearly there was no escape now! said my head…. Fear, respect, and at the same time hidden excitement and curiosity – those were the first feelings and thoughts. Then my head got to work… What to prepare, how to do it so that I would cope. It’s only 6 nights – no, it’s a whole 6 nights… I am determined, so I was sure I would manage it, but I didn’t want it at any cost; after all, how many times had I been afraid to get up in the night and preferred to wait for dawn. So much fear and worry… Today I know it was completely unnecessary.
I knew I needed nothing with me and that there is no way to prepare for it, but even so I did a few things. After all, you feel better when you have something with you that reminds you of home, or a talisman that protects you. I couldn’t deny myself such things either.
I drove to the dark retreat
The journey to the retreat was not exactly pleasant, at least at the start. The departure was planned, but even so I set off a whole hour late (I still had to do this and that, you may know the feeling – nowadays there’s even a name for it: procrastination). “I’ll still get there on time,” I told myself. The journey was complicated by several road closures, which the satnav only sorted out after a detour of several kilometres. On the other hand, I told myself: if I am meant to be there, I will get there.
And I really was meant to take part, because suddenly the journey went beautifully and the moment of truth arrived: I pulled up at the gate. I still could not believe it myself. I’m here and I’m going for it! “It went so fast,” I thought. When I booked the retreat I had five months to wait. Gradually you let it be, the time flew by and there I was, getting to know Lenka and Tomáš. We go to look at the cabin. The things I want to take with me I leave in the car for now, in case I change my mind. “You don’t know what you’ll need…” my head is working flat out.
The dark cabin smells beautifully of wood
The cabin is lovely, with a pleasant smell of wood, and the surroundings are beautiful. I burst into tears, from emotion and from respect. The instructions reassured me, as did the feeling that every day there was the chance to talk about anything without interrupting the process. “It’ll be fine,” I told myself. The instructions are clear and come with plenty of valuable advice. It was time to explore the cabin, the sanctuary, settle in and switch off the light. It’s evening, so there’s nothing unusual about that. Like any other evening: wash, lights off and go to sleep. I found the switch; that was the one thing I memorised very carefully, so that I would know where it was, at least for the days ahead. In the morning I opened my eyes, expecting light, the sunrise, I looked for the window and nothing…..
There was only darkness, and suddenly it hit me… now you are here alone with yourself, just you, your head and your thoughts… this is it
are you ready for this????
You can’t fully prepare for a dark retreat
You definitely can’t prepare for it; you don’t know what, you don’t know where, or what thoughts will surface. Your head is full of memories and thoughts, and they are just waiting for the right moment to emerge.
So, get out of bed and find out how well I had explored the terrain. The very first test – working out how to flush the toilet – a perfectly ordinary thing, you look and it’s obvious. Well yes, but I can’t see anything and I can’t remember! Yesterday it never even occurred to me to look, or to notice such little details. Now these were quite important things (because I had nothing else to worry about). How to turn on the water, where the shower is and the switch for the ventilation..:-( Those first moments, but I told myself I wasn’t going to give up, and certainly not over such trifles… To my surprise I had it all under control, and right up to the end of the retreat these little things gave me no trouble.
Another surprise was that darkness isn’t black, the way we are taught to paint it from childhood… I saw flashes; sometimes it seemed to me that it was half-light. Even though the cabin was perfectly blacked out and soundproofed. It was nice when Tomáš brought me my first meal. I thought to myself: I’ve made it through the first day, eat and off to sleep. At this rate I’ll breeze through the whole week, there’s nothing to it. On the second day it wasn’t going so well any more; I started thinking…
Oh no you don’t, I told myself – and I learnt to live in the here and now. I knew that carrying on like that, I would be outside within a few hours. As Tomáš said, when it comes, just breathe and the thoughts will drift away again. So within two days I learnt to breathe properly and to meditate.
My dark retreat passed pleasantly
The days flowed by; it was pleasant to know that time is relative, that I didn’t have to watch the clock or worry about whether it was morning or night. There were no bogeymen, which I was glad about, no stubbed toes either, I found my way around the cabin perfectly and I had a wonderful rest. It was lovely when Lenka or Tomáš brought me a hot meal, which by the way was delicious, along with a kind word and hot tea with fresh fruit. Day after day I looked forward to what new and wonderful thing I would get to taste. (thank you, Lenka)
And the end was approaching
On the last day I was already thinking I could manage several more days, but even so I was looking forward to seeing the dawn. I was curious about the sunrise, which according to Lenka and Tomáš was supposed to be extraordinarily beautiful after such a long time in the dark. They were more than right; it was gorgeous, different from any other, magical.
On the last day Lenka brought me an alarm clock set for 4 o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t even sleep any more; I waited for it to ring, I meditated, and in the end I dozed off for a moment and suddenly… Beeeeeep —– Get up, this is it! YOU’VE DONE IT, SO NOW GO AND ENJOY IT.
Opening the door was a piece of cake.
I opened it, and it was a beautiful feeling. I recognised the hazel growing by the cabin and heard the rustle of the branches of the other trees. Dawn was breaking, so it was half-light. I stayed sitting in the cabin, because everything really was swaying around me. I just sat in the doorway, breathing in the fresh air and taking in the colours and sounds. Everything was beautiful, different, brighter, sharper. That day was special. Everything was swaying, admittedly, and it took several more hours before I could drive off again, but it was wonderful to watch the animals and nature waking up to a new day.
I would compare it to a hangover.
And what did I gain from the dark retreat??
I resolved several things that I came to realise are not at all essential or important for life, not to mention sharper senses and a greater respect for life, and most of all – I found INNER PEACE.
I recognised it as soon as I stepped out of the cabin, when I noticed the beautiful garden and the house, which I hadn’t even seen before the retreat began; I looked around the garden where the cabins stand and took in the surroundings, because I hadn’t seen all that beauty before.
A dark retreat is worth it!
For my part I can say that if you are hesitating, or if you are afraid (it’s natural, probably everyone is afraid), it is worth it!!! Lenka and Tomáš are wonderful people with their hearts in the right place.
I came away with experiences I want to keep for the rest of my life, and I am glad that I lived through them under your care.
Thank you, thank you and once again thank you with all my heart, and I wish you many beautiful days and pleasant moments.
Perhaps we will meet again some day; I wish you all the best, and may many more people find more calm and peace in themselves thanks to your kind-heartedness.
Věrka 🙂
