Hi Lenka and Tomáš,
it’s been almost two months since I was in the dark, and only now have I got round to writing a few lines. Before D-day came in January, I devoured all the accounts on the website from people who had been there before me and wondered how it would go for me.
The dark retreat was an interesting experience
It was an interesting week-long experience. Even the way you perceive a space when it’s lit and then when you move around it in the dark was unusual. When I saw the tiny space in the cabin while it was still light, I thought I’d definitely miss movement and space that week, but I have to admit that I only exercised on the first day, and after that I just lazed around all week enjoying doing nothing and the peace. I took a sleeping bag with me and my son lent me his favourite cuddly toy. I made myself a safe little nest on the bed, snuggled up to the cuddly toy and felt like I was back in my mum’s tummy. Complete safety, peace and comfort. So many times I only got up reluctantly because I really, urgently needed the loo, and on the way back to the nest I couldn’t believe how long the way was. I was curious whether any hallucinations would come. Only two came, and that was on the very first day; otherwise I saw nothing but darkness the whole time. On the second or third day one of my eyes was stinging a bit, so I rather regretted not having eye drops with me. What I found interesting was that although in real life I’m constantly turning something over in my head and have loads of thoughts and images, here there were no thoughts or images, and I couldn’t even call up colours. My dreams were in black and white. My brain wouldn’t let me think about anything. So I just stared into space and did absolutely nothing. I simply existed. It was always nice when Lenka came for a chat. With Tomáš, I appreciated all the practical information he gave me through the door in a clear way when he brought the food and put it on the shelf in the little entrance hall, for example how to open the thermos with the soup or how many food boxes he had brought. I never let them tell me what food I was getting, so it was fun playing the clever one and thinking that if it smelled like spaghetti bolognese, then it must be spaghetti bolognese. The food was good, and there was really a lot of it, so there’s honestly no point bringing reserve supplies, but I didn’t like everything.
I got goat’s cheese … yuck 🙂
For example, once I spat out something that smelled of mice, it had a sort of chewy, gooey texture and I couldn’t work out what it was, until it clicked that it was goat’s cheese. Brrr, I really can’t do that one. I chose the vegetarian meals, but if I did it again, I’d rather try just fruit and vegetables. I’ll never forget how wonderfully an ordinary vegetable salad tastes, and above all smells, in the dark. That was the best meal of the whole week. In the dark I didn’t feel like anything hot at all, and it was also interesting that things I normally like in real life didn’t do that much for me in the dark. That’s nothing against the food, it’s more that your tastes change in the dark. What I liked most was ordinary tap water, vegetables and fruit. One day it also happened that I dreamed up a meal in my head beforehand, and then I really did find that meal in the box.
I felt gratitude, love and peace
Otherwise, for the first three days I felt deep gratitude for life itself, love and peace; from Wednesday I started to get terribly bored, and inner aggression and anger set in, and I asked myself whether I really needed this, when instead of lazing around in bed here I could have been skiing in the mountains, for example. So from Wednesday I discovered a self-discipline in myself that wouldn’t let me give up and switch on the light. On Saturday, when the alarm clock rang, I was really proud of myself for getting through the dark retreat. I hope my writing has been at least a little interesting for participants who are only just getting ready for the dark.
Lenka and Tom, I think you’re simply the right pair.
Šárka
