For me, a dark retreat wasn’t just a crazy idea of the moment. The thought had kept coming back to me again and again for quite a while. I once watched some report online, then read Jaroslav Dušek’s book Tvary tmy (Shapes of Darkness) and visited the Invisible Exhibition. Then my feeling that I had to try it slowly grew stronger, until the decision came: “I’m going for it”. I started searching online for places where this kind of retreat is practised. The website of Lenča and Tomáš Roud caught my attention the most, so I booked a dark retreat. I was lucky and got a date in less than 4 months.
Heading for the dark retreat
Armed with the participants’ experiences, which I had been reading bit by bit, I set off towards new experiences. I’ll admit that the day before leaving, while I was packing, I got a little nervous. To calm myself down, I tried a “shower in the dark” at home and found it was actually really pleasant. And so I started looking forward to it again. I had all sorts of expectations and ideas about everything I would sort out, and I was looking forward to everything the darkness would show me. In the end, though, I told myself that if none of it worked out, at least I’d get a proper rest and plenty of sleep (and that really came true 100%).
After I arrived, Lenča showed me the cabin and we agreed on everything we needed to. We hit it off straight away and found that we were on a similar, if not the same, wavelength (at least that’s how I felt). Then I calmly found my way around the cabin, put my things away, ate the snack-dinner I’d brought from home, texted my loved ones, had a shower (already in the half-dark) and then switched off the light. Sleep came immediately. On the first and second days I slept a really great deal. Only from the third day did I start to create some kind of daily routine.
The dark retreat went by fast
The days went by quite fast and I wasn’t bored for a moment. I enjoyed the amazing feeling of being here and now, not having to do anything, being at peace and doing whatever I wanted right then. Nobody disturbed me, nobody wanted anything, I didn’t have to do anything. I exercised, sang, meditated, talked to the angels, just lay there, wrote a diary (some of it is even readable 🙂 ). I even got round to dealing with some unresolved “skeletons in the closet”.
Every day I looked forward to Lenča and Tomáš coming. By the way they approached, I could tell which of them was bringing me something tasty to eat again, because the food was truly amazing. I really enjoyed working out what I was actually eating and savouring the food. Sometimes I didn’t even get round to savouring it and just wolfed it down.
One day Lenča had more time, so we talked a bit longer, which was very nice and pleasant. From that conversation, a thought stayed in my head, a kind of longing for a trip to India and for more discovering and searching for my path.
The retreat flew by, and not once did I feel like grabbing the door handle and running outside. On the contrary, I was surprised that 2 days before the end I became scared of going outside. It took me a whole day to calm down and convince myself that it was safe for me outside the cabin too, that my family and friends were waiting for me at home and looking forward to seeing me.
The darkness gave me what it had to give
Looking back, I don’t know whether the darkness gave me what I expected from it. I also didn’t have experiences like the ones I’d read about from other participants, but I know it gave me what it was meant to at that time. Being alone, here and now, calm and at ease. I know it isn’t bad at all, but very kind (after reading a post by one participant, I made sure to ask the darkness right at the start to welcome me kindly and protect me) and loving.
In any case, I know that in the very first week after returning “to the light” I started to miss it. I still get that occasional feeling of longing now, more than a month after the retreat. Sometimes I remind myself of the retreat at home, at least by showering in the dark. The bathroom is the only place where you can create darkness at least a bit like in the cabin.
I don’t know whether I’ll go back into the dark again, but I know there is still a longing in me to go further and keep searching, even more for myself and my purpose.
Thank you, darkness, cabin, Lenča and Tomáš, for the warm welcome.
Lucie
