Kateřina – In the dark I found a big part of myself

The darkness was total

I had never experienced darkness like that before. For a while I stood completely still, my hand still on the switch, marvelling at that complete darkness. Then I started feeling my way around. I made it to the bed, sat down on it and began to enjoy the darkness. I felt safe and light. I could feel the presence of the darkness. As if it were black velvet and I had sunk into it completely. I heard birds outside. Only faintly, because the cabin had fifty-centimetre-thick soundproofed walls. I lay down on the bed and enjoyed the peace, the solitude and doing nothing at all. I fell asleep within moments.

I lost all sense of time

I don’t know how long it was before I woke up. I realised I was completely losing track of time. How long had I slept? What time was it? Was it still daytime or the middle of the night? I found that not having a clue what time it was was something completely new and strange for me.

I decided to sleep a bit longer. I think I slept the whole day through. At some point Tomáš brought me food. He asked through the closed door whether I wanted to know what it was. I told him I’d try to work it out myself. After he left, I realised how nice it had been to hear a human voice.

Spaghetti in the dark 

I started with the soup. It was delicious and easy to eat. The main course was a different story. I took a spoon, dug it into the food, put it in my mouth, but the spoon was empty. I realised I was holding it upside down. I turned it over and dug in again. Again I felt there was something on the spoon, popped it into my mouth, and again nothing. I couldn’t resist and stuck a finger in the food. It was spaghetti 🙂 I groped my way to a fork and ate in peace. Eating in the dark was quite something. I couldn’t recognise a lot of the flavours and could only guess what they might be. And I have no doubt I must have looked like a little piggy. After eating I had a wash and went back to bed. I felt really good. I fell asleep.

Everything in the dark

I woke up and heard birds. I told myself it must be morning. I went to brush my teeth and that’s where I had an “aha” moment. How do you put toothpaste on a toothbrush without getting it everywhere? I laughed at how I was meeting everyday things in such an unusual situation. Then I wanted to try a bit of exercise. What a laugh it was when I couldn’t hold a single yoga balance pose. In that absolute darkness it just wasn’t possible. I fell over every time. I stuck to ordinary stretching. Then came the shower, which was more intense than ever before. I felt the water much more, the drops and its temperature. I really enjoyed it. 

I was sleeping less now and spending more time alone with myself. Time began to pass very slowly. And in the moments when I was awake, I didn’t feel good. I used breathing and meditation. I started to feel scared in the dark and I was looking forward to Tomáš bringing my next meal. When he did, I talked to him for a little while and felt so much better. He also brought me an alarm clock for the next day, set for sunrise. I did some exercise, had a shower and a wonderful meal. I even laughed out loud, because I suddenly felt so lovely. I danced around the cabin and had fun. I heard Tomáš talking to my neighbour in the next cabin. Suddenly it was as if there were no fears and no thoughts, and I was enjoying that beautiful velvety darkness again.

In a few hours I’ll be free

I went back to bed. Sleep was out of the question by now. And out of nowhere it hit me that in just a few hours (although I had no idea how many) I would be free, I would be back in the light. And that’s when purgatory began. Precisely because I knew the end was coming, I wanted it to come all the more. I didn’t know how to keep myself busy, how to make the time go faster. I panicked. I knew I could turn the light on at any time, but my ego and my fear wouldn’t let me.

I sat on the bed, which had been my refuge from the very beginning. I literally crawled under the duvet to feel safe. My fears began to take shape. I was paralysed by myself. I couldn’t move. It was only the force of my anger that got me out of bed and to the toilet. I hadn’t thought about what it would be like to have a nightmare, wake up from it and be in the dark. I didn’t know whether the nightmare had ended or was still going on. I desperately wanted to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. Time dragged on unbelievably slowly. I listened carefully, but I couldn’t hear anything any more except aeroplanes. My panic and fear kept rising and my body went stiff. I don’t know by what miracle I managed to fall asleep. 

I saw so much light… 

I was woken by the sound of the alarm clock and I switched it off so quickly that once again I didn’t know whether it was a dream or not. Whether the alarm had really gone off. I couldn’t look at it to see what time it was. I decided I hadn’t dreamt it, that it was time. I got dressed, had a wash and opened the door.

My whole world spun, up was down. I sat down on the porch and stared at the “light”. It was half past five in the morning and by normal standards it was pitch dark, but I saw so much light. I sat on the porch and waited for the sunrise. Little by little everything began to take on colour. The sky grew brighter, the colours deeper. After an hour I packed up and said goodbye to the cabin. I set off on foot and longed to walk for as long as I could. I called my husband to ask if he could pick me up somewhere other than we’d agreed, so I could be alone out there for a while, out there in the light! 

What I felt on that walk can’t be put into words. It was a feeling of enormous happiness, love and humility towards myself. I grew fifty metres taller. I felt I could do anything. I laughed at the colours outside and stopped every fifth step to savour the beauty around me. I skipped and ran. Everything seemed unbelievable and yet so full. I was like a playful child. It dawned on me what I had done, what I had managed, what I had been through.

I met my fears

In the dark I found a big part of myself and felt it. I met myself in a way I never wanted to. I met my fears. I know I shouldn’t avoid them any more, but accept them, because they are mine and they belong to me. Be with them and live through them. Just as I live through love, joy or anger. 
Some people recommend a dark retreat the way I recommend walking the Camino de Santiago de Compostela. For now, speaking for myself, I wouldn’t do it again, but I’m very grateful for the experience 🙂

And now I’m off to turn on the light 🙂