Hi Lenka and Tomáš,
I’m sending a few lines about my experience of the dark retreat and about how I’m doing and feeling a few weeks after the darkness.
It took me about six months to make up my mind. I started choosing a place at the end of August, and even though other dark retreats had availability sooner, I chose Lomec near Úmonín. I was full of expectations and ideas.
How did I get there?
I decided to go by train and walk the rest of the way. At the stop in Bykáň I met a fellow participant who was heading to the cabin next door.
We chatted a bit, but I was so full of anticipation and a little nervous that I didn’t really feel like talking.
We arrived at the garden, where a barking dog welcomed us, and a moment later out came our guide in the dark, Tomáš.
He explained everything I needed to know, above all how to go about things so I wouldn’t be dazzled when he came in bringing my food.
He told me he wouldn’t push me to talk, but that a worry shared is a worry halved, and we agreed on that.
The cabin had two doors, and the outer one had a lock on both sides. Whenever he left, he locked me in, and I could unlock it and leave at any time. I unpacked, sorted my clothes into piles, walked round the cabin, sort of tuned myself in inwardly to the lights going out, and after about twenty minutes I switched them off.
The darkness was one hundred per cent
A kind of darkness I’d never really known. After about two hours of lying on the bed, a third of me wanted to go home, and even though I had the temperature set to 24 degrees, I was cold in my joggers and hoodie and under the duvet.
Probably my nerves at work, or low blood pressure 🙂 . Either way I thought: my family is at home in the warm in front of the telly and I’m here alone and cold, and I felt a bit sad. But at the same time, somewhere deep down, I felt that I wanted to be there and that it made sense for me.
My sense of time changed
The first stretch, from Saturday to Sunday, felt quite long; I was getting used to a different sense of time passing.
When he came for the first time, we exchanged a few sentences. I told him I was pretty cold and how I was feeling, and he was happy to turn the temperature up. He brought me vegetarian food that was very good, a salad, a dessert, tea, and topped up the fruit.
I was never hungry.
Even after the temperature went up I still wasn’t comfortable, so Tomáš switched the heating on. I was prepared for this phase to be longer than the first one and I slept a lot, so in the end the day went by quickly.
I felt strange…
From Monday to Tuesday, lying on the bed, I felt strange inside.
Then I went to meditate on the sleeping mat, but those feelings kept coming back. I tried to focus on my breath, which helped a little.
When Tomáš came, I described the painful things I’d been going through inside. He advised me not to resist the feelings and not to steer my attention elsewhere, but on the contrary to call those feelings up, to welcome them when they come, to be open to them.
I ate on the floor behind the door in the room, leant against the wall and took in Tomáš’s advice about complete acceptance.
I accepted within myself that the inner pain I didn’t want was something I should actually call up and accept.
I felt torn apart, naked. They’re feelings that are really impossible to describe.
From then on I tried to accept them and even to bring them on.
Tomáš and I talked
From Tuesday to Wednesday anxieties and fears came, but not as strongly as I’d expected.
On Wednesday we talked a lot and I was glad I could say everything, and even on days when Tomáš didn’t have much time, I tried to tell him everything quickly. I was really glad of that.
I got a sense of distance
From Wednesday to Thursday I walked around the room a bit. Judging distance had long stopped being a problem, but a few times I misjudged the angle I was heading in 🙂 .
Stay, or go home?
On Thursday and Friday my feelings were mixed: sometimes I felt like staying even longer, but at other times I was already looking forward to going home. On those two days I managed better to be in the present.
On Friday the thought came to me that none of it really matters, not in the sense of hopelessness or not wanting to live, but that something is always happening anyway, that things are simply the way they are.
On Friday evening Tomáš and I talked again, and once more I told him what was on my mind.
On the way home I enjoyed the peace…
On Saturday morning my alarm woke me just under an hour before dawn.
First I got ready to leave the cabin, had a shower, packed, slowly let my eyes adjust and set off.
I felt a slight dizziness, but otherwise I was fine.
The walk to the train was beautiful. I was really taking everything in and enjoying it, the peace, the air, the countryside; I watched a tractor at work with fascination 🙂 .
How do I feel since coming back?
When I got back I told my family everything. I was full of impressions, so it all just poured out of me.
About five weeks after coming back I can say that I’m a bit more aware of the present moment. I have a slightly stronger feeling that it’s already good right now, that every moment is actually the goal. I try to accept more of the things, feelings and thoughts that are pleasant for me, but also the unpleasant ones, and not to suppress anything. I’d say the darkness has helped me relax, and when I do something like lounge about for a whole afternoon, I don’t feel guilty about it the next day.
I’m grateful for the darkness. It was honest, uncompromising, it was a powerful experience.
Thank you once again for the talks and for looking after me, Tomáš!
Honza
