Warm greetings, Lenka and Tom,
there’s a lot one could write about what the dark retreat was like, and if I had to squeeze it all into a single word, it would clearly be “THANK YOU”, because I still feel a very distinct, deep gratitude for this immensely precious experience. I came to you in a rather sad mood, with no expectations, and yet with the wish to find answers inside myself to 3 questions that had been tormenting me for more than 4 years. I could hardly try to describe the feeling when, after a few days, the first answer appeared, concerning the past – it came to me like a flash of sunlight in the middle of a dark night, because it sensed that without it I was sinking faster and faster into some unknown. I literally felt one energy turning into another within a few seconds, and once again I realised that a single right thought is enough to save a human life. What followed was immense relief, laughter, “singing” and rhyming with triple meanings; in short, I let that part of me speak which can quite mercilessly make friends and everyone around crack up whenever it feels like it. It’s really very pleasant to feel a smile from the inside, I had missed that feeling so much…
The mind settles only partly
Before coming to you I was under the impression that in the dark the mind would settle and quieten its otherwise fairly loud chatter, because it would run out of outside stimuli. That’s only partly true, and precisely because of that you get the chance to turn your gaze inwards (and in fact outwards at the same time) right into that hungry pack of debating entities, which among other things lets you find your wounded (and vulnerable) places, try to understand them and heal them. I suppose it’s enough if I write the little word Vipassana and you’ll surely understand me.
In the last days of the dark retreat, just as suddenly as before, I sensed another important answer, this time concerning the future. For some time I had been working myself up to a fairly fundamental step in my life – to visit, after many years, a human being immensely precious to my Heart – and I kept being nibbled at by quite mixed feelings about whether to do it or not. And actually it wasn’t an answer as such, but rather a very vivid revival of an important memory that I had pushed somewhere deep down and almost forgotten. Now I know I will keep this promise too… The sadness came back, but it’s of a different kind now, somehow more reconciled, because wishes are dissolving; every single day of mine since the dark retreat has been carried by ever greater calm, even though right now I have little idea what I’m actually doing here and what task I still have. So perhaps everything will reveal itself at the right moment.
The most important thing is love
During my stay in the sanctuary I had many other experiences, perceptions and realisations that would be very hard to put into words, but in the end they’re not important at all. The only important thing is that the common denominator of all my days with you, of days past and days to come, was, is and always will be Love. And I’m more certain of that than that the sun will rise again tomorrow, far more certain than that I breathe and live, that She will go with me beyond the limits of all time. And because I value life immensely, I intend to live it in the Present, whether that means watching snowflakes slowly falling, sunsets behind the hills, or the moods and energies of the people flowing around me. Because being present and perceptive is probably the best way to honour Life itself.
Lenka, Tom, once again Thank You So Much for letting me reach an understanding that will make my existence here more meaningful and richer. Take care, a big hug.
With friendly greetings
David
