It often happens that a participant comes on a dark retreat believing that they love those close to them completely and unconditionally, yet they feel that love doesn’t flow freely in their relationships, and so they ask questions and search.
I love my wife and children unconditionally
A participant once came, let’s call him Petr, and this is what he said about his wife:
“I love my wife unconditionally, if only she didn’t spend half an hour on the phone with her mum every evening and then another half an hour with her friends.”
About his eldest son it went like this:
“Of course I love my son, I’d give my life for him, if only he didn’t sit at the computer all the time and went running or cycling instead.”
About his youngest daughter Petr declared:
“I love my daughter most of all, the way only dads can, if only she didn’t make a scene every time I won’t buy her an ice cream.”
A mental image of others
Petr is absolutely convinced that he loves his family, and he doesn’t see or notice his “if only”. If we read carefully what Petr says about his family, and treat what comes before the “if only” as not counting, we find that it bothers him that his wife chats away on the phone, that his son lounges about at the computer and that his daughter is a siren reincarnated. That is what Petr’s subconscious perceives. The subconscious is very powerful and steers our life, our emotions and thoughts to a great extent; it sends out energy around us, and other people sense that energy and act accordingly.
Petr actually loves a certain picture of his family; he loves how the people around him ought to be. He doesn’t fully love the real ones, because what they do bothers him, who they are bothers him. And wherever there is something that bothers Petr, there is resistance; resistance creates blocks, and love can’t flow.
A dark retreat is a way out
Well, one of the ways, the one we know works. Because on a dark retreat the participant opens up and accepts, and has enough time to see more of reality. Petr, too, had more time to focus on his feelings during his wife’s phone calls or his son’s gaming. He could allow himself the luxury of doubt and so find within himself patterns of judging and of creating mental images; he could find his resistance and dissolve it.
And that is the first step on the path to true, unconditional love for others and for yourself.
