My crisis has been going on for about eight years now. Last year I started thinking about a dark retreat, but I wasn’t ready. This year I felt the need to do something about it again. I considered various events, but mostly nothing resonates with me. Even the vision quest I was considering felt “too organised”, and doing one on my own seemed too complicated. I’m no good at going to therapy – I mostly work on myself alone.
A dark retreat is only about me
What appealed to me about the dark retreat was that it’s entirely up to me. I can set it up my own way. I assumed I wouldn’t even want sessions with the guides, and that turned out to be true. I didn’t take up the option.
Even though I don’t do yoga and I’m certainly not at all advanced in meditation, I managed a week in the dark. Of course there were crises. The first, as for most people probably, came once I’d caught up on my sleep debt. At that point I started to doubt the whole idea. The second crisis came in the second half of the retreat, when my panic and depressive states made themselves felt more intensely. But given my experience of the last few years, I breathed my way through it. My intuition was right – I was ready to handle it.
A few things clicked for me during darkness therapy
Although in my case it wasn’t a big developmental leap, I’m really glad I did the retreat. A few things did fall into place. I went in without an intention and let things take their course. But looking back, I can see an interesting intention there after all, probably an unconscious one at first. I experienced it as an initiation ritual. What for probably doesn’t matter, but for me that may have been the main meaning of the darkness. A ritual that isn’t organised or directed from outside. Solitude intensifies, and strengthens too ;o)
Tips for a dark retreat
The tip to bring some kind of instrument is well known – in my case it was a guitar. It definitely helps. I’d also recommend trying the noise-cancelling headphones that are part of the sanctuary’s equipment. Despite my initial reluctance, it was an interesting experience – it felt like being under water. And given my experience with poor temperature regulation linked to my mental ups and downs (shivering even in a warm summer), I packed a sleeping bag. That turned out to be a good choice. It felt more helpful than if I’d tried to compensate by readjusting the air conditioning.
I’m not a vegetarian, but the vegetarian food really suited me and I enjoyed it. When I got back I turned down meat for a while and only went back to it gradually. But things aren’t the same as before the retreat. I see meat differently and eat it less often.
Thanks once again for the opportunity.
Martin
