Dear Lenka, dear Tomáš,
it’s a year since I did my dark retreat with you, since we last hugged and I went home :).
I feel it’s time to share with you a few of my feelings, situations and experiences, a little piece of my life after the darkness…
I decided on a dark retreat on Three Kings’ Day
The idea of going into the dark came to me on the evening of Three Kings’ Day 2015. I sat down straight away, my hand on the keyboard led me to your website, and then I waited a long time – a whole five months. Now and then I wandered around your website, looking for information about dark retreats, and actually I was quite looking forward to it. In the meantime I fell ill, the operation on my basal cell carcinoma went O.K., so at the end of May I packed a few things and my teddy bears and arrived.
A lovely welcome, tea with Lenča, a chat – I couldn’t have wished for anything better.
And then it came. I walk through the dark retreat cabin while the light is still on, counting steps, putting my things away, and now I’m holding my hand on the switch, for a long, long time…. Until I’m absolutely sure I won’t turn the light back on for the next few days. I remember every situation minute by minute 🙂 even now.
I felt sad and cried for 2 days
For the first two days I cried a lot. I missed my loved ones, I really missed hugs, touch, being stroked – not talking, but physical contact more than anything. During my first chat with Lenča I realised that my loved ones can’t make up for the love I’m supposed to have for myself. The divine love that every single one of us has inside, we just forget about it because of how we were brought up and all life’s various crashes and bumps.
What are you doing here, messing about, a grown woman like you? You should be doing something more useful, not dreaming up nonsense – they need you at home and at work…
On the second day, a chat with Tomáš – another great lesson. Why does something in my head keep saying, “What are you doing here, messing about, a grown woman like you? You should be doing something more useful, not dreaming up nonsense – they need you at home and at work…” I was this close to grabbing the door handle and getting out of there, but then something inside me said no again. And what did Tomáš say? “Look, take two armies facing each other, for example. One is silent, ready for battle, calm and gentle, yet brave. The other is making a racket, yelling, stamping and clattering. Both have their strength, and it’s entirely up to you which one you choose. What do you think each one stands for?” Yes, the calm, brave one, standing there with a direct, courageous gaze, is my soul; the thundering, terrifying one is my ego. So I made my choice and stayed…
And then calm came during darkness therapy
Thank you, Lenča and Tom – after that I didn’t need anything. I wrote a lot – just imagine, everything on the paper is readable. I drew a lot, and I wrote down my ten commandments of life in the dark :). The very first one was – always put everything back in its place, take care of your things, because otherwise you won’t find them in the dark :). When you think about it, it’s the same in ordinary life, we just don’t notice it at all in the light. And it doesn’t matter whether we’re taking care of material things or something else entirely, love for example :).
And what did I miss most of all in the end? It wasn’t the light at all, but first and foremost birdsong, and secondly fresh air. Friends, it was only in the dark that I realised humankind would go mad without birds. It’s incredible and indescribable what I felt, and I still carry it inside me. I’m absolutely certain that birdsong affects the human psyche in the most beautiful way. And just imagine, on the way out of town on Christmas Eve (it was already dark night) the birds were singing so beautifully that tears sprang to my eyes. Never in my life have I heard anything like it at that time of year.
I ended my dark retreat after six days. I was pretty wobbly on my feet; I sat on the porch of the Sanctuary for an hour, stroking the furry guard dog and enjoying the sunrise. Honestly, I was very tired…
A lot has happened to me in the past year, beautiful things and the opposite. But thanks to the darkness I realise that they all belong in our lives, and just as the darkness was a school for me, I take everything life brings me in the same way. I celebrated my 50th, took stock of my life, and as far as I possibly can I try to always stand on the side of the kinder army…
What do I know a year after my dark retreat?
That I’ll definitely go back into the dark. I think back on my days in the dark with respect and humility; not a day goes by without me being there in my thoughts…
I also think back with respect and love on Lenča and Tom, the excellent food and the beautiful surroundings. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you, may everything in your life go exactly as it should.
Ivana
