Hi Lenka and Tomáš,
even though I’ve been back from my dark retreat for over a month now, I still haven’t got round to writing down at least a few observations, though they’re only marginal ones.
The experience itself is indescribable, and to anyone who’s ever hesitated about whether to do a retreat, I can only recommend it.
What I was afraid of…
I was most scared on the day I arrived, which was a Saturday. Arrival was between 4 and 5 pm, and I’d been nervous since the morning; a few times I even thought about cancelling at the last minute, and that was before I saw the cabin with no windows 😉 .
Tomáš (who runs the place and hosts you) calmed me down a bit. When I almost burst into tears there and told him that I was scared, he said that was perfectly fine; on the contrary, the ones who are too full of themselves and think a dark retreat is just another trophy for their collection usually pack their bags on the second day. Just to be safe, though, I checked where I could switch on a light and that I could unlock the door myself and leave. I was afraid I might start panicking and desperately need some air, or that I’d be bored stiff, or that it would be impossible to cope in there without moving around, and so on. NONE OF THAT HAPPENED!
What did it give me?
So, to get to what it actually gave me. Surprisingly, about 2 hours after I switched off the light, the darkness started to calm me down. I thought about things I’d left unresolved or suppressed, I regretted mistakes I’d made, and I felt hugely relieved once I’d had a good cry.
Lovely memories came too, even ones I hadn’t thought about for about 100 years, like when I stuck a bead up my nose at nursery school and couldn’t get it out, that sort of thing… I felt I couldn’t really choose what I’d think about, so I let it flow, just as it came and then went again.
Once a day Tomáš or his wife brought me food, and when I wanted to, I could talk to them about what I was going through. That suited me, and it also meant I knew which day it was and roughly what time. Of course I was looking forward to it ending and to seeing nature again, but at the same time I already knew back then, and I know it now too, that I’ll happily do it again.
Thank you so much for everything, and I look forward to seeing you again some time.
Lucka
