Hi Lenka and Tomáš,
There are lots of thoughts that went through my head after the dark retreat and are still going through it, but that’s probably normal, and I don’t think it’s anything new or interesting.
Of course, like almost everyone probably, before going into the dark I read through other people’s experiences. Not so much because I wanted to find out what to expect, or even what I should or would want to experience, but because I was partly afraid of what would happen and whether I’d run away. I’d compare my feelings just before the light went out to how I felt when I was doing parachute training. Huge excitement and a fair bit of fear too.
Is it really going to be like this for seven days?
The feeling after the light went out didn’t disappoint me. The mix of fear and the sense of futility that “it’s really going to be like this for seven days now” was almost unbearable. All my resolutions about how I’d exercise, stretch, or simply meditate calmly were completely unimaginable. I dealt with the situation by simply crawling into bed and falling asleep.
I started getting used to the dark
The next day was a bit better, and my head made sure I wasn’t bored. It’s hard to put into words, but I was able to exercise and I was starting to get used to the dark.
The physical crisis came on the third day. A persistent, almost migraine-like headache set in, along with other signs of cleansing such as vomiting and diarrhoea. But within a day it had all passed, and on the morning of the fourth day I threw myself at the fruit like a starving fruit bat.
Calm arrived…
Days 5 and 6 were the reward for the previous four days. The feeling of inner calm that came (I don’t know how to describe it, nothing fitting comes to mind) was something indescribable. To a large extent that was probably also down to the fact that the end was approaching and I was, after all, looking forward to coming out.
Either way, I see this state as a goal I’d like to learn to reach in calming meditation exercises.
I came out into the light
Coming out was far more powerful than I expected, and despite the hard frost I certainly didn’t regret the walk up the hill to watch the sunrise.
I’d like to thank Lenka and Tomáš for their kindness and the lovely surroundings.
The whole retreat was very powerful, and if circumstances allow, I’d love to do it again in a year or two.
All the best,
Jirka
