It’s been almost two weeks since Lenka and Tomáš got in touch to ask whether I’d write something about my dark retreat. I knew straight away that I wanted to write at least a few lines, but the right words just weren’t coming, because how do you simply describe a feeling?
A dark retreat for a beginner
I didn’t know what I was getting into, but I wasn’t afraid of the dark, because I told myself that darkness is a woman, so we were bound to get on well. Just how tricky this woman is I found out a mere ten minutes after switching off the light, when I managed to get lost in the shower cubicle (and for the following days too, that spot was a real Bermuda Triangle for me).
LOL The first two days went absolutely fine, but on the third day it turned out that everyone really does go into the dark at exactly the moment that is right for them.
Outside, fighter jets started flying over a lot (which apparently was unusual on that scale), and combined with a thunderstorm and the fact that my body clock went completely haywire that day, so I lost all sense of time, I got into a state of quite serious panic, and it triggered my “war trauma”, which I had already worked on a few times, for example in family constellations.
Images of the sky full of warplanes and similar things flashed before my eyes, the feelings were very intense, and I even started ducking in doorways (as if it evoked memories of some low ceiling), but I felt that healing was taking place.
In the dark you think about who you are and where you’re going
Of course you have plenty of time to think about all sorts of things, about who you are and where you’re going, and I’d say that in this respect it helped me a lot to sort out my thoughts and get clear on what I really want in life. On top of that, the darkness gave me a certain perspective, even courage, because I tell myself that if I managed that week-long dark retreat, I can manage anything in life; and so far it’s working out pretty well. 🙂
Thank you both for everything, and I especially want to thank you for the excellent food, I’d probably single out the couscous with sun-dried tomatoes (yum), and for the patience with which Lenka listened to me when I wanted to talk.
Finally, let me share the last sentence I wrote in my diary in the dark:
“Thank you, darkness, for everything, it was a great experience.”
With love, Alex
