How do I feel after my dark retreat?
My dark retreat was a month and a half ago
It’s been a month and a half since my dark retreat, and I have to say I feel much better than I did before it… I went into the dark because I felt the need to stop somehow. I was living in enormous chaos and didn’t know how to rest. I also wanted to think some things through, mainly relationships. I was pretty scared of it – 6 days and nights shut in with myself, with no way to distract myself. At home I couldn’t bear being alone for even an hour any more. I was always looking for a reason not to be there, rushing from one event to the next, sport, culture, and I practically only slept at home, and badly at that – for two months I’d had serious sleep problems and was getting about 2-3 hours a day. I was terribly tired all the time, but I couldn’t stop. So among other things, I was hoping the dark retreat would let me get a proper rest…
I didn’t sleep much during the dark retreat
So: sleep hardly came at all, I slept as little as I did at home, and it felt like I could never last, because time had almost stood still and I was alone with my thoughts. On top of that, on the third day the soft bed did my back in terribly, so I thought about giving up, and I was genuinely quite worried about myself, because it happened just after Lenka had brought me food and I knew Tomáš wouldn’t come for roughly another 24 hours. I lay on the floor, couldn’t move, I was afraid of the pain, and I knew that if I stayed I wouldn’t even be able to exercise for the rest of the stay and time would pass even more slowly. In the end Tomáš came, and I even managed to make a makeshift bed on the floor on a sleeping mat, which I padded with my winter jacket and a jumper. That’s how I lay until the end of the stay – the soft bed was out of the question for me. In the end I even managed the toilet and the shower.
And then I was here and now
My thoughts slowly began to slow down, there were fewer and fewer of them, and on the second-to-last day I suddenly realised with amazement that I wasn’t thinking about anything at all, only about what is here and now. It was like a revelation for me – I can’t remember ever feeling that in my life. Even today, more than two months after the stay, I’m calmer and more balanced, my relationships with the people around me have improved on their own without my actually working on them during the stay, and I feel more or less fine. Now and then the thought even flashes through my head that I might go on a dark retreat again some day.
And one more thing: I found out that food tastes much better when you don’t use your eyes, you eat less of it, and I managed to lose three kilos without doing anything for it. I never ate everything I was given, which for me is unheard of 🙂
Thank you, Tomáš, also for the chats every day when you brought me food – they helped me a lot. I wish you both love and peace, and every success with this wonderful work.
With love
Míla
