Hi Lenka and Tomáš,
thank you for your email. Today is, quite literally, one month since my dark retreat with you.
The dark retreat came at the right time
The dark retreat was interesting for me, and the timing was key too. I didn’t go there to work through anything specific – relationships, problems and so on – I just wanted to see how I would cope with such an unusual experience and how I would react to the darkness and to being alone. I assumed I would be incredibly bored and that I might not even last the whole week in total darkness. I was also curious what surprises might be hiding in the depths of my mind and could potentially come to the surface. The boredom never came, and I got used to the darkness quickly; I actually found it pleasant. I managed the whole week, and towards the end I even felt a little sad that the retreat was coming to an end. I didn’t have any dramatic memories or unpleasant experiences from the past. Now and then a pure emotion of fear came up, not linked to anything in particular, and I had no choice but to give it my attention. In everyday life I’m not really accompanied by fear or anxiety; my driving emotion is anger, which these days I know how to use creatively as an engine. I don’t have much experience with fear, so this was interesting – there was no escaping it, not even with my eyes closed… ha ha. I’ve been practising mindfulness for quite a while, and that helped me deal with the fear in the dark as well. The fear was happening inside me, but at the same time I could be an observer of the process – the fear arrived and I could face it head-on. Being both a player in the game and an observer was interesting, and it worked.
I can handle unpleasant things on my own
In the dark I realised that I can trust myself and that I can handle even unpleasant things on my own, which was an important and positive boost to my self-confidence. I also gave myself the darkness as an act of self-care and ‘allowed myself to have time just for me‘. It was an important pause from the chaos of today’s world – a chance to enjoy the time, to feel myself and to let thoughts flow through my head without any need to analyse or justify anything.
During the dark retreat I enjoyed the human contact
During the retreat I also came to appreciate how important personal contact with people is, and I looked forward to my ‘chats with the meal bringers’. It helped me sort out the thoughts in my head, share unusual experiences and get the sense that it was all fine, whatever was happening. I really liked that nothing was forced on me – no opinions, no philosophy and so on. Just the feeling that someone was listening to me without offering solutions or opinions was really lovely.
My life is the same, and yet lighter
In practical terms, life after the dark retreat is still the same – I have the same job and basically the same routines and so on – but a certain ‘lightness of being’ has arrived. I don’t feel the need to take everything personally or to solve everything at any cost, and even unpleasant situations don’t touch me as deeply as they did before the darkness. It’s a nice feeling, and I can say that I’ve gained a healthy distance from things; these days I don’t take many things and situations very personally. I know I’m in some kind of process of transformation, and even though I don’t know what the outcome will be, I trust the process / the journey more than the destination.
Darkness therapy has definitely done me good personally, and I’d like to do it again sometime in the future. For now, though, I’m letting things unfold as they take shape by themselves, and I’m not trying to control or manage anything.
Thank you for giving me the space in a beautiful wooden cabin, with excellent food and easy-going chats.
Bye, Jana
