An encounter with nothingness, with the zero state. The struggle between the human being and the higher being imprisoned within. Who will win? Does that human really want to know where they came from? Who they are? To know their sacred self down to the ground? How will it help them on their journey through life, here and now? Won’t it tear them away from the material world they have built with so much effort and that is still not stable?
This won’t apply to most people who decide on a dark retreat. It’s only about me and my feelings.
In my life I spent a very long time searching hard for myself. But in the end I found my essence! An awareness that I come from somewhere far beyond the earthly sphere has been with me since early childhood. The urge to keep searching, learning, discovering… everything…, how and why things exist, the principles we function by. Long years of contact with the higher world, prophetic dreams, work with archetypes, dream symbols, the subconscious, and finally trying to tell others that they are here to move on, within their human possibilities, where everyone is on their own and has to find their own path and the meaning of a full life. My dissecting of myself, turned inside out…, to the point of screaming pain. Dragging out the shadows, the programmes injected by the collective consciousness just so we can fit in among humankind, function here and keep our true value and direction. Breaking down the ballast and accepting my inner demons, taming my beasts baring their teeth…,, learning, learning and learning how to get along with my self versus my bodily shell.
Events and experiences that so far had thrown my human self around to the edge of despair and given me an understanding of a higher order and the laws of the universe. That was my life and my path. And it was a lot! All my life I’d been flying up high and I was missing a runway. When one appeared, I refused it and kept flying.
In the dark, to my surprise, I understood that I have to go in the opposite direction, here and now. A turning point in my life had come! I must no longer fly off into the heights; instead I have to go downwards. Let my roots grow into the element of earth, deep down. That’s why I was born as a human. My essence is in the universe, my body is here and now. I have to take care of my human, my avatar. Its place is on Earth, its comfort and well-being. I won’t help it by tearing the spiritual essence away from it. That’s what would have happened! I know it!
The first few hours in the dark warned me: I was transported into a vivid parallel reality, where I lived among the same close people, only things happened completely differently! I saw myself being pumped full of schizophrenia medication in an attempt to bring me back to the reality of earthly life.
The moment I realised it was an illusion… , but it wasn’t an illusion, it was extraordinarily real and vivid, I came back into the dark room, where I was now alone.
Then came rapid images of the karmic and generational burden of my family line, which drew my attention to what was currently going on in my family. That was the second and last question I needed to resolve and understand. Done!
The rest of my dark retreat became a matter of enduring and struggling with my human’s existential comfort. Above-average heat of around 39°C, the feeling of being hot (in the cabin it was maybe 29°C) and the feeling of being unable to breathe in a fresh, cool breeze (even though the cabin is quite well insulated and ventilated) made me end my stay after 24 hours.
Before I left, before I decided to end my stay, I struggled inside for a long time. Questions were tossing around in me like: Am I a coward? How will others see me for giving up? After all, I waited so long… I know the first three days are the hardest… But? What more will it bring me? Do I even want it?
And finally: I’ve paid… will I look like an idiot to the others?
Suddenly I listened to my reliable intuition!!! Nothing is more important than what I really want and what I feel! And you can always rely on that! I wish everyone would let themselves be guided by their intuition! To break free of what others want or expect from us! The only thing that matters is how I feel about it! The opinions of the people around us, some money – all of that is just a system that controls us. Being free and deciding for yourself is the most important art in our lives.
I thank Lenka and Tomáš for their kindness, for their empathy and love for everyone and everything they do.
I’m glad for those 24 hours they made possible for me and that I went through! Even that one day and one night brought me so many insights and set my direction for the future that without them I’d have been searching, who knows how long.
One last thing: even though I was the one who went into the dark, my husband lived through it all with the same intensity and decided to take a bigger part in our shared life, to share more and show more empathy. Thanks for everything.
Aleksandra.
