Dear Lenka and Tomáš!
I’ve decided to write to you about my experiences from my Dark Retreat with you. I’m writing the very evening I got home. Partly while all the impressions are still fresh, and partly because a few of my friends and my family will want to know every detail, so I’ll forward them this letter and then just answer any questions they may have.
I’ve known about dark retreats for a long time
Let me start right at the beginning. I’ve known about darkness therapy for quite a while. I read whatever I could find about it online; my favourite, Jarda Dušek, had been through it too and was tremendously enthusiastic. It was written about in good terms, praised to the skies, but also with a touch of disdain. To be honest, I tried to imagine it. I tried to imagine what it was supposed to give me, but fear won out. A week is a long time. A whole week……day and night…. . in the Dark……just Me and Me……. the two of us and pitch-black darkness and silence! No news from outside, no television, radio, mobile, internet, people, no distractions……no interruptions. Well, I didn’t feel even the tiniest conviction that this was something for me, something I could manage. So I pushed it aside and let it ripen.
Then, after quite a long time, I came back to the idea of a Dark Retreat. Life is an incredibly entertaining and inventive game master. Sooner or later it nudges you exactly where you need to be in order to move forward, upward – to the next level, as people say nowadays.
I searched the internet and looked through many Dark Retreat offers. I had no idea there were so many! After a long search I chose you. For many reasons. Everything I needed to know was on your website, a description of everything, even what to wear, which is very important information for a woman – you want to look good even in the Dark…. . just joking. Above all, the Kutná Hora region appealed to me, the welcoming approach, the location on the map promised real peace and quiet, and I also read through the posts from people who had already done a dark retreat. Whether they were positive or not, I liked that you publish all of them without exception. I simply felt this was the right place.
Booking a dark retreat was supposed to be a doddle
So, off to book a date. That’ll be a doddle, surely not that many people sign up. Imagine my surprise when I found out that your first free date was six months away?! Oh well, nothing to be done, that’s probably how it’s meant to be. So I registered, paid and waited. I tried to prepare for this test somehow, in my own way. I won’t burden you with that. I can only say that you can’t really prepare for it unless you already have the experience, because you have absolutely no idea what awaits you, what’s coming and what the whole thing will look like.
And suddenly the day was here. I must say I arrived at yours on Saturday early evening with great respect – not fear, but respect. I couldn’t, not even slightly, imagine what I was getting into and what awaited me. I just wanted the door to close behind me and for it to start, and then Me and Me would bolt straight away and run home. Shame or no shame, the main thing was they wouldn’t get us! Not even a walk around Kutná Hora did anything to ease my great respect. I was the very first to arrive, at six in the evening on the dot. But I was in such a trance that afterwards I couldn’t remember at all what your house looked like, or the garden, or how we walked to the Cabin-sanctuary (I like that expression). I felt a tiny bit relieved when I got the instructions about what would happen and how, and that you were there every day if I needed to talk, to go over something, and that I could step out of the door at any time, leave……the light is only switched off, so if the worst came to the worst, I could switch it on. After all, I was there of my own free will and nobody was forcing me.
Luckily my Dark Retreat was free of Ghouls, free of Ghosts, free of bedbugs and free of coat hangers 😀 (it’s easy to joke about it now…. )
…and my hand on the switch……. Click………Darkness!
When you left and wished me good night, you said that once I was ready I should switch off the light and the adventure could begin. I explored the terrain thoroughly so I’d know where to find things, the distances. It reassured me that I had Ninja Turtles bedding – that would give me strength, nothing to be afraid of! Then a shower, brush my teeth, arrange my things so I’d find them in the Dark, one last check………and my hand on the switch……. Click………Darkness!
But this was truly pitch-black, impenetrable Darkness! Well, my girl, now show what you’re made of!
Nowhere, not through the tiniest crack, did even the smallest spark of light get in. Even my backside clenched with anxiety at the thought that I’d be here, Me with Myself, Silence and Darkness, for a whole week. I lay down on the bed, stared at where the ceiling should be and waited to see what would happen.
I must say that, to my pleasant surprise, the Darkness didn’t frighten me the way I had feared. I felt no fear. It was so black there was no room left for shadows and fears. At least that’s how I felt. And that lasted the whole time. Only the little cabin kept growing and changing shape on me. Someone kept moving the washbasin and the toilet, shifting the walls. So once or twice I’d find the shower with no trouble at all, and the third time there’d be a wall. The darkness was so black I couldn’t see my hand even when I held it right in front of my face.
I slept wonderfully
From Saturday until Tuesday afternoon, I think (judging only by Lenka bringing me food, but I really didn’t know what time it was), I slept non-stop. Constantly! I slept wonderfully!! But after that, dark or not, I couldn’t just drop off any more. And now it started to get really exciting. I mulled over all sorts of things, stared into the darkness, for long hours probably, and told myself it had been a crazy idea, that I couldn’t stand it…. . yeah, fine, three days, but I’m supposed to be here all of Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and not until Saturday morning……
Surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid of the darkness, nor did I feel lonely……no hysteria. But suddenly things start surfacing that were hidden somewhere deep inside you, things you no longer even know about. They aren’t terrifying, just very unpleasant in their urgency and persistence. They sensed their chance…. . ”aha, look out, it’s clean-up time, today she has no way of chasing us into a corner, sweeping us under the carpet…. dear little Monika has absolutely no distraction whatsoever!”
And so I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned…. .
”come on girl, you’ve got this! Survive Wednesday and it’ll be plain sailing!”
I was immensely grateful that my retreat came with a meal once a day, and at varying times at that. At least for a moment my persistent thoughts and brooding were drowned out by loud rumbling in my stomach and by a knock on the cabin announcing the arrival of Lenka or Tomáš with some aaaaaaaamazing food, fruit and above all, truly, a warm human word! The cliché is fitting here, because I was immensely grateful for it! It’s one of the things that helped me hold on and not give up. And I certainly had thoughts of giving up! I’d tell myself…. . ”come on girl, you’ve got this! Survive Wednesday and it’ll be plain sailing!” It didn’t quite work out like that, but you don’t give up when you’ve come this far!!!
And so the cleaning went on and on……. . my longing for light, fresh air, sunshine, rustling leaves, wind on my cheeks was so great that on Thursday and Friday I now and then had the feeling the darkness wasn’t quite so pitch-black any more, that I had a head torch on – with a very weak battery, but still giving some light. I seemed to see the outlines of things, but whenever I wanted to look closer, someone switched it off on purpose. That happened a few times. Funny game!
That Saturday dawn made it all worth it!
If nothing else – and I say if…. . the whole Dark Retreat was worth it for that one single short and fleeting moment…. . namely the Saturday dawn.
Already on Friday evening, when Tomáš brought me the last supper (it was lunch, but supper for me), I was so enormously happy!!!! He also brought an alarm clock set for half past five in the morning. Shortly before dawn. But that day and night didn’t pass as quickly as I’d thought. On the contrary. And it let me off nothing. Just keep sorting things out in that head of yours, or wherever else…. .
In the end I fell asleep for a while, but out of impatience I got up before the alarm went off. I was looking forward to the world more than a newborn. I could have shouted for joy when the alarm rang, but that would have spoilt the whole magic.
Tomáš had said my head would spin when I opened the door and that I should sit down on the doorstep until it settled a bit. I must say it really did make me reel, like after three beers, right up until the afternoon.
A dark retreat has to be experienced
But that wonderful moment when, after a week spent in deep darkness, you open the cabin door and there the moon and stars are shining, the sky is clear, you see trees, bushes, nature bathed in moonlight……that was like a reward……something magnificent…. . and I just stood there and felt such enormous gratitude…. . words can’t even describe it. It has to be experienced!
And then the horizon began to brighten…. . A cock crowed…. . and the Sun came up!
I walked around the garden (thank you for that, Tomáš, Lenka), looked over the fence into the fields as the world was waking up, and it was not just seemingly but truly different for the first time. Tremendous calm and peace, everything so sharp and clear…. deer grazing within sight, a rutting stag in the distance, birds outdoing each other in song…. .
I wish I could pass it on to you
I wish I had an amazing ability like the Frog guy in Hellboy, where a mere touch of the palms would be enough to pass my inner images on to you without needlessly too many words spoiling the whole thing. Maybe one day……
I got home safely, even though the world was still swaying.
The whole world was sharper and brighter. And to ground myself a bit – I mean the swaying – I went for a walk in the park and the nearby valley. I still felt such incredible gratitude and peace!!!!!
Long story short, the Dark Retreat in Lomec well and truly rocked me to the core, and I thank Lenka and Tomáš from the bottom of my heart for all the Love and care with which they looked after us the whole time. Heartfelt thanks, and may you have nothing but happy days!!!
There’s more, but many of the experiences and insights simply can’t be transferred or passed on. Thank you for every single one. I hope that for a very, very long time, if not forever, I’ll keep that immense peace in my soul, in myself!
And deep gratitude for everything that comes into my life!
Monika
