I first heard about dark retreats from a friend of mine, roughly a year before I decided to go on one, that is a dark retreat, myself. What settled it for me at the time was watching a video with Jaroslav Dušek, in which he answered questions about his own dark retreat. At that moment it was clear that I had to do it too. The dates were already fully booked, so I had to wait a few months for a free one. I chose the first available date, which was three months from the moment of my decision, but then I had to make some changes to my plans and in the end it turned into a six-month wait.
I need a dark retreat
At the time I was going through various changes in my life and felt I simply needed to go into the dark right away. Now, with hindsight, I know that everything had its own timing, that nothing happens by itself, and my date didn’t come up until the autumn. Looking back, I even realise that around the time of the first date, in summer, I was going through yet another set of important life situations. If I had gone into the dark at that stage, my head would have been full of it all and I wouldn’t have enjoyed the retreat as much.
The closer my start date came, the more I couldn’t wait. I was most likely expecting some kind of life change from it. I only told a few people close to me about my retreat. They didn’t really understand what there was to do there for a whole week and claimed they would “go mad”. The one thing on my mind was a certain fear of the dark itself. I’ll come back to that later.
Conversations and a dark retreat
Meeting Lenka and Tomáš was already crucial for me, both at the start when I arrived at their home and later during my talks with them both over my week in the cabin. I discussed my thoughts with them, which was very important to me. Each of them touched on something different, but something fundamental for me. I’d like to offer some advice to those who aren’t sure whether they want to keep in contact or be in complete isolation. From my experience, don’t resist that contact. I think a short conversation can actually help speed up the process going on inside you; you can move forward more quickly and a lot of things fall into place at the level of thought.
What I took away from the retreat above all was an awareness of the present moment. Tomáš helped me with that through his words. And Lenka helped me accept my life so far as it is. I reflected on it from a karmic point of view and accepted everything that is happening or has already happened in my life.
A dark retreat and food
I mustn’t forget to praise Lenka’s wonderful, delicious cooking. During that week spent alone, her meals became a real balm for the soul, because I dare say Lenka cooked with love. I experimented with the food a little, because I never let anyone tell me what I had been given to eat or drink :o) It’s another interesting way of exploring, and fun at the same time.
Fear of the dark
Now I’ll come back to the fear of the dark I mentioned. After just a few hours in the dark it was an amazing discovery for me that the darkness is safe, and I started to feel good in it. Perhaps it was because the space was enclosed and locked. I felt as if the darkness had wrapped me in its embrace and my fear went away. Even now I perceive darkness differently; for instance, when I go to bed in the evening and close my eyes, a feeling of safety and calm runs through me, the one I felt during my stay in the cabin.
From my experience I can’t say I went through any unpleasant moments. It’s more a fear of the unknown, of what might happen. I had two dreams that made no sense to me at all and were so unpleasant in feeling that I woke from them with a nasty sensation, almost fear. The truth is that after about three days I started asking myself “Why am I here, and do I really need to put myself through this?” But that’s probably a kind of transitional period you have to go through.
What did I do during my dark retreat?
I personally enjoyed my dark retreat, rather than there being anything life-changing that woke me up to life and awareness. I think this is very individual and everyone experiences their darkness completely differently. It depends on the phase of life each of us is in, and personally I think that any therapy or other sessions undertaken before going into the dark have a positive effect on how the first dark retreat unfolds. By that I mean longer-term work on yourself.
I did a lot of evaluating of my life there and, above all, I clarified what I want to go on doing in the future. Even though I’d known much of it before, somehow everything took on a kind of shape and it brought more calm into my life. For me it was an unconventional holiday, during which I slept a lot, did breathing exercises or some meditation, exercised or just thought. Not knowing the time, and having a great expanse of it, helped me become aware of myself and, above all, not to hurry anywhere.
The end of darkness therapy
Lastly, I’d like to describe my feelings after I came out of the cabin. It was Saturday and an absolutely beautiful, sunny day. I said goodbye to Lenka and Tomáš and decided to spend the day in Kutná Hora. Those first feelings I had were utterly unforgettable and strange. I felt as if I were from another planet, especially on returning among people. But it only takes a short while and you’re back to everyday normality. In that calm and contentment I enjoyed the whole day with myself, and I’ll remember it for a long time. The next day I spent the whole day with my family and I really have to say that I experienced an unbelievable happiness in that moment of being with them. For them it was a normal day, but I felt it very intensely and I felt happy.
It was interesting to observe everything that happened the following week, or rather how much a person can get done in a week. It gave me the chance to compare the week in the dark with the week that followed my retreat. And somehow everything went well for me and came more easily :o)
To finish, I’d like to say that each of us should take more care about the hustle around us, other people’s worries, but also our own, so that the world doesn’t sweep us away too much. I realised that what weighs on me most are the complaints of the people around me, including the influence of the media, which I let into my life far too much. And yet in myself I’m content with who I am and with what I do and have. So it’s certainly good to do some meditation or spend a lot of time in nature, which is how I deal with it.
I hope that a few words from me might help someone decide to go on a dark retreat and make a change in their life. It is a change, certainly, and as I said, everyone experiences it differently. So there’s no need to look for an answer to what it will actually give me and how I’ll experience it there. We’re each at a different stage of life and each of us has a different nature. It’s also good not to expect too much from it! Let it do its own work, and let’s not keep trying to control everything, as we so often do in this hurried world.
Thank you to the Darkness and to the Roud family.
Pavla
