Hi Tomáš (I never met Lenka, so apologies),
perhaps the time has come for a recap – it seems the experiences and impressions of the dark retreat have settled now… So here’s how it went with me…
Into a dark retreat feet first
In lots of accounts I read how people took a long time to work up the nerve for a retreat and how far ahead they arranged it… With me it was different. True – I’d heard something about darkness therapy a long time ago, but it didn’t interest me in the slightest and I completely blanked the information out…
Then one day a client came to me for treatment and mentioned during the therapy that he’d done a dark retreat. His description of his experiences in the dark reminded me a lot of Jack London’s book “The Star Rover”, which I once loved. As he talked, I also recalled my own experiences with a partly spontaneous regression during one of my attempts to get rid of the stubborn headaches that have plagued me since childhood…
And so curiosity came 🙂
I sat down at the internet and typed in things like darkness therapy, dark retreat and so on…. One of the links I found led me to your website. I liked it, so I wrote to you. And straight away I got an offer to book a date in the newly built sanctuary. The first one I had to turn down (it clashed with my trip abroad), but the second one worked out right away – about 2 months after I’d got in touch. The impulse simply came at exactly the time when everything was already ready for me, so there was nothing to think about…
I also got myself a book about darkness therapy, paid the booking fee and started preparing the family for “another of my odd whims”
I had no goal for the dark retreat
I didn’t set myself a clear goal. I did tell myself it would be nice to sink a bit deeper into meditation (without the dog getting under my feet and phone calls from therapy-hungry clients or grannies and children), and I wouldn’t have said no to a little excursion into my past, coming to terms with childhood traumas, breaking down old blocks anchored in the subconscious and so on, but basically I was just curious what it would do to me and whether I’d be able to stick it out. I wasn’t especially afraid, though… If it doesn’t work, I’ll just leave a bit early, so what…
Then the problems started piling up – the dog fell ill, the car broke down, an unbelievably high bill came in for the water balance (faulty shared water meter in the building), grannies, the garden, the kids… Problem after problem… Until it almost looked as though I simply wouldn’t go.
A downright negative account of a dark retreat turned up too – but the way it came across to me was that the author had treated the dark retreat as a kind of contest with himself. Somehow it didn’t sit right with me… so I just took it as one more piece of info…
I didn’t give in. I had the car repaired (so the kids would have a way to get the dog to the vet if need be), the money somehow came together in the end too, and I left. I told all my clients I’d be away, forgot to record a message on the answerphone, and even forgot to give the kids Tomáš’s phone number in case of emergency. I just set aside an emergency cash reserve for them (and it really did come in handy in the end) and vanished from the world.
The dark retreat was actually a witches’ sabbath
I arrived – a bit late, so I didn’t meet any of the other candidates for the retreat (there were 4 of us girls :), I made the acquaintance of the gorgeous resident horse-sized dogs (Tomáš, please scratch them behind the ears for me), Tomáš showed me into the cabin, which smelt brand new, showed me where everything was and explained how the food and drink would work… He also asked whether I’d be eating or whether I’d liven up the retreat with a fast. Fasting tempted me too, but since I’ve known myself for a good few years now, I explained to Tom that I would eat, because when I don’t eat, I get a headache for the first 3 days and “puke like a dog”, which doesn’t appeal much to me at the best of times, let alone in the dark…
I arranged everything so I’d know where things were, went over the layout again, tried feeling my way around with my eyes closed… well, and then I just switched off the light … and it was dark…
The first evening went without a hitch. I tucked into fruit (except the cherries – I didn’t dare in the dark, because when it comes to food I don’t like second-hand goods, and I prefer to eat my fruit without protein) and exercised diligently. Meditation didn’t go too well. All sorts of things were swirling round my head – mainly the neighbours, with whom we’ve had unbelievable problems for about 8 years…, but also the kids, the dog, my mum and her rules of life for me…
Sometime on the second day Tomáš brought food – a portion fit for a miner. It was very good, so I worked my way through it gradually…
And then came the “migraine”! Ugh. The worst part was hitting the bowl when being sick 🙂 . Well, but before long there was nothing left to bring up anyway… I said to myself – oh, for heaven’s sake. This is going to be one splendidly puked-through dark retreat.
Luckily this time my poor head decided to hurt for only about half a day. Tom left the second meal there for me anyway, but even a mere sniff worked as an emetic, so nothing doing.
Well, and since my little body had set itself up like that, why not go along with it – I added the fast to the dark retreat after all 🙂
Sometime on Monday I wondered how our dog was doing and was overcome with worry about his wellbeing… then I settled it for myself by deciding that our capable kids would surely manage somehow (I found out afterwards that I’d thought of him at exactly the time he managed to jab a fetched stick into his throat). After that I was just horribly bored. Tomáš told me that’s a good thing. So I thought my own thoughts about that and at least exercised intensively, and exercised and exercised, to keep myself occupied somehow.
I was almost back to doing a standing backbend and similar nonsense like in my youth, when my little body decided I was using the exercise as an escape from what I was supposed to be doing (being bored :D). And it put a stop to it – I put my back out (well, my SI joint really, but the result was the same).
And again I wondered whether I should give up. But then I realised that in that state I couldn’t have managed the drive to Prague anyway, so, for a change :), I devoted myself to thoroughly rehabilitative exercise and simply tried to survive…
Halfway through I had loads of vivid dreams
The end of day 5 was approaching and, apart from the migraine and the bad back, pretty much nothing was happening. I did have loads of strange vivid dreams, in which I saw lots of little African children in a typically African landscape, now and then someone from my family and friends or enemies flitted through, but otherwise nothing unusual. I couldn’t move much, lying down hurt too, so I dozed off here and there and waited for Tomáš to bring me a full thermos of tea. From the sounds reaching me through the wall I could more or less tell whether it was day or night, but otherwise nothing and nothing…
I found it comical that I caught myself walking around with my eyes constantly closed, even though it was dark…
Then one time I somehow fell asleep and suddenly I was woken by light. A sharp, intense light coming through the wall of the little house. So intense that it woke me and there was no hiding from it. The kind of light you see in films about UFO abductions :D.
The first thing that came to mind was: “Which idiot is shining a floodlight in here at me like that?” Then I realised it was dead silent outside and even the dogs weren’t making a sound… So I told myself it must be Tomáš and tried to telepathically suggest to him that he could stop messing about, turn it off and leave me in peace… Then I realised that the wall is made of boards, not planks, and what’s more there’s supposedly an insulating layer too, so hardly anything could shine through it…
Meanwhile the light drew itself nicely into the bottom corner and ever so slowly, slowly dimmed and disappeared. When it was dark again, I realised I hadn’t even tried to look at my hands.
Then I said to myself – aha, no light, the retina’s playing up… no food, the brain’s bored, so it’s making up nonsense…
And I also decided that if the light deigned to come back, I’d try to check whether I could see my hand, and enjoy it… Then (just to be sure) I crawled through every corner of the little cabin (as far as my back allowed) and went back to sleep.
Sometime the next day the light really came back. This time, for a change, I was in the hallway brushing my teeth. So I made sure I couldn’t see my fingers and they cast no shadow, calmly brushed my teeth “by the light”, used the toilet and, content with my experiences, set about sleeping again… 🙂
After that nothing much out of the ordinary came.
I lasted to the end (as, for that matter, did all of us). After the light came on, my head was spinning a bit too, and it took about 2 hours before I dared get behind the wheel. I still wasn’t too sure of myself behind it until early afternoon…
My first conclusion was – I don’t need the dark ever again… Today I don’t see it so radically any more – maybe I’ll give it another go sometime in the future… And actually I’m sort of looking forward to it… 😉
The results of darkness therapy?
At first it seemed to me that nothing had actually changed.
Then I realised that problems somehow don’t stick to me any more. Not that I don’t get annoyed or startled… No. But the emotion comes, goes, and I don’t pick at it… That’s something I was never able to do… It has gradually drifted a little closer back to “normal”, but the change is still there…
Apart from that, I forget unimportant things and somehow don’t fret about it…
I also understand my patients’ problems much better – I understand people who’ve gone blind or are immobile… But compassion for them doesn’t swallow me up. I accept reality and I understand – that’s all…
Well, and that’s about the whole conclusion of a fairly long, chatty post 🙂
Actually no – one more thing about that negative account I mentioned.
The gentleman probably really was fighting too hard with himself, and on top of that he ended his dark retreat after about 3 days. In my experience that’s the time when the negative experiences peak. The first 3-4 days are simply the worst. The pleasanter part comes later – so it’s better to stick it out and surrender. Simply not try so hard… 🙂
But I have only 1 experience, and that’s as good as nothing.
Take care, and perhaps I’ll meet you again some day
Bye – Helena
