I signed up for a dark retreat almost a year ago. It had tempted me from the moment I first heard about dark retreats, but it took me a while to find the courage to sign up for one. When I came across this website, which caught my attention with how detailed and warm-hearted it was, I read a few accounts from people who had done a retreat and decided to go for it. Throughout the year I still had quite a few worries about how I would cope there – not so much with the darkness as with being shut away for a week in a small cabin, alone with my thoughts (I’m the kind of person who is always taking in information, learning, reading something, etc., or doing something). I thought about bringing a musical instrument or something else to keep me occupied.
The year flew by and I grew a lot. I had decided to start doing the things I was afraid of and to listen to my intuition. So I overcame a few fears, expanded my awareness and calmed down a great deal. By the time the retreat came, I had no worries left. I took only clothes and toiletries and went into it knowing I would manage and that it would be an interesting experience.
In the dark I switched off the light for a while
I settled in and tried switching off the light for a moment. It had never even occurred to me how dark it would be in there. It frightened me a little. I remembered that as a little girl I had been scared of darkness that deep. Then I remembered my favourite quote: “Darkness is simply the absence of light.” That calmed me down quite a bit. For a while I walked around the cabin in the dark with my phone in my hand until I felt sure of myself, then I ate, washed and switched off the light for good.
From the start of the retreat I lay in bed or on a sleeping mat and watched the flow of my thoughts. They were the same as usual (at my current stage of development :)), no emotions or anything negative came up. I fell asleep with the air conditioning on, got a bit of a chill and ended up with a urinary tract infection. I turned the heating on, drank a lot, and by the afternoon I was fine. The pain from the infection came back a few times in the mornings, because the room always cooled down a little overnight when I had the heating off, and I also felt pressure because I couldn’t manage a bowel movement during the dark retreat. Normally, when I have an infection, I keep myself busy so I don’t focus on the pain, so it was interesting to deal with it using nothing but my mind.
In the dark I saw light
On the first day of the retreat, out of nowhere, I started to feel a pulsing white light inside my head, mainly to the left of my forehead and in the middle of it. It’s hard to describe – it was as if I could see it and feel it, it was flowing through me. At first it scared me, I found it hard to breathe and I was shaking. Then I started to accept it and observe it. The same way as with the pain from the infection. The light came back to me several times a day. I spent whole days enjoying watching the flow of my thoughts and the visits of the light, and in between I just ate and slept. I was also surprised by how the smell of my body changed – right after the first evening I smelled like something between honey, fruit and milk. The scent was so strong that Lenka asked me what smelled so nice in there 😀 Lenka and Tomáš’s visits and the food were nice, but they pulled me out of my focus a little. Next time I’ll probably go into the dark without guides and without food.
On the last day of the retreat I couldn’t wait to get outside and start the new direction in life that I had been sorting out in my thoughts. The dark retreat confirmed to me that I’m on the right path.
The sounds from outside helped me in the dark
Every day I kept track of time by the sounds of the birds and the chirping of crickets and croaking of frogs in the evening. I delighted in the sounds of something I couldn’t see all week, I thought about the beauty outside, about how much I love light and nature. So coming back into the light was absolutely magical. I got up early in the morning and spent a few hours watching the sunrise and walking through the woods nearby. It was beautiful to be able to see again.
I definitely recommend a dark retreat to everyone. Wherever you are heading, overcoming your fears and stepping out of your comfort zone will move you forward and help you find your strength 🙂
Best wishes,
Marie
