Hi Tom,
I’m writing to share my experience of the dark.
I first encountered Christianity at the age of 8 or 9, and it passed me by.
When I was 12, a friend a year older told me about reincarnation, which I immediately and spontaneously believed in and knew to be true. But for years all I knew about it was that after death I go to the spiritual world and then am born again, and I didn’t look for any deeper meaning. Over the years the odd thing reached me now and then and my horizons slowly widened, but the awakening only came after I ended up in prison for a long 12.5 years, when it dawned on me that something had happened that should not have happened and that I ought to change my life.
I’m not happy about what happened, but I am happy about those years, because they gave me a lot. I found my spiritual Path and did a great deal of work on myself.
For the last 4 years in prison I worked as a carer for physically disabled prisoners in Pardubice prison, and I was determined to do everything I could to be able to work as a carer on the outside too. After my release I did a nursing assistant course and a social services worker course, and I am convinced I did everything I could to work as a carer, but I didn’t succeed.
I knew it would be hard for me and that I should look for an alternative where I would find myself the way I had in caring. I thought about this alternative, but came up with nothing and was stuck on caring.
At the beginning of March a friend told me he was going to a holotropic breathwork session at Easter and asked whether I’d come too, but I told him I was already supposed to have gone 3 years ago and in the end hadn’t, because I didn’t feel up to it, and I declined, which my friend respected.
But then I saw the film Jungle Child, which resonated hugely with me and led me to the decision to look for my calling and my essence so as to find alternative work, and I went to the holotropic breathwork with my friend. Three weeks later I went again and then went into regression as well. In August, holotropic breathwork again, followed straight away by a week of dances of ancient traditions.
This was my second time at this dance week, after two years, and it was here that I recognised and realised how much work I had done on myself. The effort that began at Easter is not jumping from one thing to another, but spontaneous, gradual work that fits together, builds on itself and has meaning.
And in the midst of that came the decision to go through darkness therapy; I felt that it too should be part of it, and that brought me to you.
I had expectations of the dark retreat
I came to the dark with expectations: the expectation that the darkness too would help me on this Path, and I feel it fulfilled that and gave me a lot. I had no specific expectations of what I would experience during the dark retreat and left that up to it.
From entering on Saturday until the night between Monday and Tuesday I slept a lot, and in the moments when I wasn’t sleeping I wondered whether it would be the same as for a woman who had also spent a week in the dark and told me it gave her nothing, that she had no experience, she was simply in the dark. So I was worried it would be the same for me, but then I learnt from Lenka that even if that were the case, it has meaning for the future and brings what it is meant to bring. That calmed me and gave me the strength to persevere, and the sense that it was worthwhile. Another theme in those moments when I wasn’t sleeping was reflection on a possible new relationship between me and a woman I am interested in. In these reflections the rational element prevailed and I saw it rather negatively. And on Tuesday, when I was no longer sleeping, a spontaneous vision came, and I understood at once that it wanted to give me strength and tell me that the relationship has a beautiful future. This vision then stayed within me and I was even able to interpret the greater part of its whole meaning.
After that I was just in the dark and occasionally saw peripheral light from the side, or a flickering light in my eyes.
On the fifth day of the dark retreat the images came
On Thursday, as I was waking up, I was struggling with a dream that had an unpleasant effect on me and I had to keep reminding myself that it was a dream and where I was. This set off a sequence of images that began to appear, collages coming one after another; they felt unpleasant and my first feeling was that I should run from it, but I steeled myself, the feeling changed and with the words “come on then” I was determined to go into it and glad that something was happening. The images went on, stopped feeling unpleasant, but then began to fade until they disappeared. I tried to fall asleep again, thinking the images would return on waking, which I did manage, but not with the same intensity, and they soon disappeared again and it was over. The third time I didn’t manage it any more, and I somehow understood that by my effort to go into it I had driven it away.
Some time after our conversation the images started coming to me again, and I saw them with my eyes both closed and open, and this time I just observed them and nothing more. At first beautiful ones came, mainly from the animal kingdom. I saw a lot of my power animals, which I work with in shamanism, but others too. Negative and horrifying ones came as well. I saw various forms of hell too. But all the images left me calm. I was just a spectator, and even the horrifying ones didn’t frighten me or stir up emotions. If anything, with some of the positive ones I felt pleasant emotions, for instance when it was a power animal I knew, or some other image that spoke to me.
On Friday evening I had more visions in the form of images, trees and animals. The individual images lasted longer than on Thursday, when they followed one another fairly quickly, but this time the overall duration was much shorter. On both days I also played the flute for a while during these images.
The last night of darkness therapy, before the alarm clock rang, was long, very long, and towards the end further visions came in the form of images. This time very frightening, and mainly in red and black. A head run through with iron, skulls arranged in various ways in that horrifying form, and other similar motifs: war, fighting, horror and dread, but older wars rather than the modern ones of the 20th century. These images moved slowly and left me plenty of time to take them in. They didn’t frighten me; I was calm and once again an uninvolved spectator, and somehow it was clear to me that they belonged to the theme of fear we had talked about. What bothered me was that I sensed the alarm would soon ring and that I would be ending the dark retreat on this negative note, so I tried to change it, which I soon gave up again, because I realised I would make it worse. So I just wished for everything to end with something positive, which was granted, and the last few moments were positive.
Darkness therapy ended with a night lit by the Moon
Stepping out into the garden after the alarm rang, when it was still dark and the waning quarter Moon and stars were in the sky, was magnificent. And the moment of daybreak was amazing, and I was happy to be in the light, enjoying nature, and to have seen the dark retreat through to the end.
During the dark retreat I had a few moments when I thought about ending it, but not strong enough that I had to fight them. They came and they went. Negative emotions from within did not come to me, and I managed fine alone with myself.
Our conversation on the way, when you drove me to Čáslav, allowed me to fully understand your attitude and your view of the world, and it gave me and showed me a lot. And for that too I thank you very much, because it is enriching.
If you want to publish what I have shared, you can; publish whatever you see fit, and if you want to publish all of it, I have no problem with that.
Thank you very much, you and Lenka, for everything; you helped me a great deal.
I wish you pleasant days and much happiness on your Path
Tomáš
