About two years ago I read an article on the internet that mentioned dark retreats. At the time I thought it must be an interesting process, one where you sort out a few things in yourself and get a bit of a clean-out, but then I dropped the idea completely.
Some time passed, and around me and within me several changes took place that were quite important to me. And suddenly, more and more often, mentions of dark retreats began to appear around me. The feeling that I should go through this process grew stronger by the day.
Until one day my decision ripened and I signed up.
I signed up for a dark retreat
I felt that, to get through the process, I had to be completely open to all the emotions that would come out of me in the dark. To be on the safe side, I opened myself mentally to the whole universe and hoped it would help me.
On arriving at the retreat I was briefly introduced to the very pleasant owners, Lenka and Tomáš. We talked for a short while. I learnt that everything I needed for the stay was available to me in the cabin and that food is brought once a day between 1 and 3 pm. We agreed that they would not speak to me, and that if I needed anything, I would say so myself. We said goodbye and I crept into the little house.
I had a room of about 2 x 2 metres with a made-up bed, a sleeping mat and a meditation cushion for sitting, and a small hallway with a toilet, washbasin and shower. I could control the air conditioning myself.
I settled in (it was somewhere between 7 and 8 pm), had a shower, calmed myself, steeled myself and switched off the light.
After the lights went out …
The darkness embraced me, and a strange, comforting warmth immediately settled on my chest. I realised with joy that I felt no fear. I hoped it would last.
On the very first night I discovered that I had an enormous need to keep track of time. But how? Almost no sounds reached the little house. I realised that probably the only time I could be sure of would be the time the food was delivered. So I decided that at every meal I would put a nectarine stone – I had brought nectarines from home – into a little bag. This later turned out to be a good idea, as telling night from day proved almost impossible. On top of that, on the second night I discovered that in the expanded state of consciousness that soon set in for me during the dark retreat, it is almost impossible to sleep.
On the very first day my mind started working flat out. Thoughts of past and future events began racing through my head, of people connected with me through various events. Anxieties and all sorts of other feelings started to arrive. I didn’t resist them (as I had resolved), I breathed through them thoroughly and after a while they always dissolved. But my mind began to drift further and further, towards those who are or were locked up in dungeons, cells, oubliettes. By then I knew I had to get rid of such thoughts. I tried to get into the state of “Here and Now”. When I managed it, the unpleasant feelings and images disappeared and that comforting feeling in my chest was back again. I found that as soon as my mind strays from the present moment, various, mostly unpleasant feelings and anxieties come.
I had the feeling that at night I only ever slept for a little while, and I never knew for how long. The nights were endlessly long. I woke up around ten times a night. If I had dreams, they were anxious and unpleasant. I sweated a great deal. I tried to work out when it was morning, or at least daytime. But how? The only things I could hear were a cockerel crowing, fighter jets flying over and the occasional sound of a car engine.
I tried to go by these signals, but I had no idea yet how nastily my mind would play with me. It was right in the middle of the week, when the expanded consciousness was already in full force, that I discovered that the darkness can open out to vast dimensions and create various interesting images, mainly of the shape of the room I was living in. Now I saw a large hall, now a short alleyway with a little tower, now a room decorated in Indian style. Sometimes the rooms were lit by what seemed like soft moonlight. That calmed me quite a lot. It was interesting to look at the images, and then the anxieties from otherwise unpleasantly intrusive thoughts didn’t come. To keep the anxieties down I also took great care to put everything in exactly the right place, and I tried to do everything slowly and with concentration. That calmed me.
Wednesday really tangled up my dark retreat
And then came that Wednesday. I had already learnt that daytime meant the cockerel crowing, the occasional sound of an engine and the roar of fighter jets. As always I was really looking forward to the food, because it was always very tasty; I enjoyed it in an almost ritual way, and it also meant for me that I had got through another day. Then, as always, I just had a shower, cleaned my teeth, sang a little to keep my spirits up, did some exercise, lay down to sleep and prayed that it would be free of nightmares. I fell asleep fairly easily and the sleep seemed quite long. I wake up, listen to the sounds from outside, try to get my bearings. And there I hear the cockerel crowing! And a little later the fairly clear sound of a human voice, and after a while a fighter jet too! Hurray, it’s Thursday morning! That night went by beautifully. Now just wait for the food and I can tick off another day with a stone in my little bag! I had a shower, did my exercises, ate breakfast and set about the daily disciplining of my mind. But what’s this? They’re taking a long time bringing the food today. I waited a while longer, then felt my way to the front door and listened for sounds that would signal the food delivery approaching. But outside there was total silence. Not a sound. Silence.
And suddenly I realised what a mistake I had made. I had only dozed off for a moment, so I was still in the same day! I had no idea what time it was; the whole unpleasant night still lay ahead of me, with waking into an indeterminate morning and a long wait for food! It took some effort to breathe through this discovery. But how come I had heard the cockerel crowing?
The whole of the next day I concentrated on the cockerel’s crowing, and I discovered that the rascal happily crows all day long and not just in the morning, as I had believed my whole life. Oh dear.
On Thursday I was glad that I was past the halfway point of my process, but even those two days were no walk in the park. But I had got used to it by then. I always had to discipline my mind, and then it went more or less all right.
I was positively looking forward to the last night. With my meal I was given an alarm clock set for four in the morning, so that I could enjoy the sunrise and then leave, since Lenka and Tomáš don’t get up until around eight. I said goodbye to Lenka, who, when bringing the last meal, came into the dark with me and gave me the final instructions. I went to bed early and prayed for sleep to come.
The last night in the dark was endlessly long
But as so often happens, what we want most doesn’t come. The night was endlessly long. I had the feeling I was at the mercy of my mind, and that it was entirely up to it to decide when it was morning. But in the end I got there and the alarm went off. That unpleasant beeping sound was like heavenly music to me! I let it beep until it ran out, and I was happy that, although many times during the week I had wanted to give up the dark retreat, I hadn’t done it.
Opening the door for the first time, from darkness into what was actually still darkness, was wonderful! The glorious scent of nature hit my nose, and a magnificent sunrise was not long in coming. It took me around two hours before I was sure I could get into the car and drive off safely.
The journey home was joyful. I had been through an unpleasant process, admittedly (I think I ran through every emotion there is), but I feel it was a meaningful one.
I am very grateful to Tomáš and Lenka for giving me this opportunity to cleanse myself, and for offering this therapy to everyone who takes an interest in it.
With love, Tereza
