Dear friends in Lomec,
I gave myself a few days for my thoughts to settle, and now I think that, with a little distance, I can put into words what the dark retreat gave me.
The dark retreat began the moment I stepped off the train
It all began the moment I got off at the request stop in Bykáň. The sun was shining and I was looking at the sign with the village name, realising I was standing in the middle of “nowhere”. Luckily there was only one road leading away from there. So I got out my trekking poles and set off along it. Once I reached the village of Bykáň, I more or less knew where I was. I walked slowly, looking around at the countryside, photographing bumblebees on a thistle, soaking up the atmosphere of a beautiful warm day.
Right 
at the edge of the village of Lomec a cross welcomed me, and another one on the village green. I sat down for a moment on the bench at the bus stop. I leant back and closed my eyes. And then I took out my phone and called. Tomáš pointed me in the right direction. I walked up a gentle slope and along the way a little boy and a big dog came running to meet me. The boy was calling: “Hi Týna!” A wonderful welcome.
Up at the timber cabin, Tomáš was waiting. We shook hands and I knew I would be happy there. I looked at the sanctuary that was waiting for me. I was given all the information I needed and two bananas, and I spent a little while longer looking around.
Time for the dark retreat
And then it was time to go inside. I put my things next to the bed, looked over and felt my way around the whole little house, had a shower, sat on the bed for a moment, and then I simply got up and went to switch off the light. I carefully made my way back to the bed and stared into the darkness with wide-open eyes.
Travelling on two express trains and a local one, and then the walk from Bykáň, had rather worn me out. I stretched out and fell asleep. After waking up I lay there for a while with my eyes closed. And then I opened them into the darkness. I had not the faintest idea what time it was.
Experiences from the dark retreat?
My own, personal ones I am not going to reveal. They are simply deeply mine and, as such, essentially impossible to share. If only because each of us carries through life experiences that, more often than not, only we ourselves or those closest to us know about. It would be hard to expect a stranger to understand them.
So I decided to write down just a few observations and impressions.
-What is darkness? Darkness is whatever your subconscious wants it to be. You have a week for your subconscious to come to an agreement with your conscious mind. For them to clear things up between themselves and become one.
-On the very first day a memory surfaced in my mind of a debate I had been present at some forty years ago. At the time it seemed deeply philosophical to me. The possibility was raised that what we dream in our sleep is real life. While what we are convinced we are living is a dream. It turned into a very heated debate, which I did not get involved in; I just listened, occasionally tapping my forehead in my mind and keeping my thoughts to myself. For years I never thought about it. And suddenly it resurfaced. Around me was impenetrable darkness, no “action”, but the dreams were vivid, in colour of course, very realistic, different from the ones I have at home.
-Time became a mere concept without content. Once a day Tomáš or Lenka came with food. But I had no idea what time it might be. Few sounds made it into the sanctuary. Now and then I heard a dog bark, the sound of a four-stroke or two-stroke engine, an aeroplane. But none of it could be tied to any particular time. The only piece of information that had any value was 6.30 pm on Saturday, when I entered the sanctuary. And from that moment on, right up until the following Saturday at 4.00 am, when the alarm clock beeped into the darkness and announced that it was time to open the door to the world.
-An interesting observation from the first day was that I kept closing my eyes whenever I was thinking something over. Just as at home, when you need to close your eyes to shut out distracting things around you. Pictures on the wall, say. It took a while before my brain realised there was no need to close my eyes.
-I was surprised by how much I lost my sense of direction in the dark. I would think I had turned, say, 180 degrees. But it turned out that I had not quite completed the turn, and suddenly a touch of panic came when, after two steps, I was not where I expected to be.
The food was excellent and, for the first time in many years, I did not feel hungry. Yes, I know myself. That is why I had come prepared. I brought several packets of sliced cheese, a few biscuits, salty cheese crackers. In the whole week I never gave them a thought. No hunger, no craving for anything other than what I was given. I took all my provisions back home again.
When friends asked me what I did in the sanctuary all that time, I tell them I was doing a jigsaw puzzle. I would use it as a parable. A big box full of pieces. And no picture on the lid. Of course, over my life I had already put together part of that picture. But in the dark it turned out that some parts were wrong. I had forced together something that did not fit properly, and suddenly I could see that it belonged somewhere else. What’s more, the “picture” kept spreading out in all directions, even though I had thought the edges were fixed. Sometimes I could hardly believe what appeared. But suddenly I understood a great many things that had happened to me. And I started looking forward to the next pieces. As if I were picking them up and examining them with wonder.
I had a problem with concentration. Several times my thoughts scattered in all directions. I caught them again with the help of stones and Greek worry beads. As soon as I took them in my hand and my fingers began to play with them, my thoughts came back. They “settled down” in a circle and stayed. And then the puzzle came together nicely.
On Friday, along with my food, I was given instructions for the morning. An alarm clock, which I was told was set for four. I was afraid to touch it in case I switched the alarm off. Neither the hands nor any other markings were visible. I carefully stood it on the floor and tried not to think about it.
I was looking forward to opening the door
And then suddenly the beeping began. I sat up on the bed and put my feet down on the floor. I looked into the darkness and waited for the moment when I would want to open the door. I was looking forward to it. I knew the Moon was full, so it would not be entirely dark. Even so, I went and had a shower in the dark first. Only then did I open the inner door and, after it, the outer one. I breathed in the pleasant air.
I stepped outside and felt as though I were drunk. The dog was the first to greet me. A wonderful feeling, my fingers buried in that thick fur. My “colleague” from the neighbouring sanctuary was already outside too. We shared our impressions. We both had that feeling of intoxication. I walked slowly, holding on to the trees. Then I just sat outside for a while, and once I felt steady I set off to meet the sun. The east is on the other side of Lomec from the timber cabin. So I walked up and followed the field track, heading steadily east. Until I reached the end of a maize field, where I sat down on a tree stump and watched the clouds being lit up by the slowly approaching Sun. I welcomed the Sun and it welcomed me.
Thank you for the dark retreat
Now all that remains is to thank Tomáš and Lenka once again, humbly, for the chance they gave me, for the welcome, for the food. For the harmony and understanding. For everything I was given to experience and feel. For what I gained from the dark retreat, and for what I let go of.
I also want to thank the Western Sanctuary. For opening its soft, warm, wood-scented arms and letting me curl up in them.
Nor will I ever forget the “welcoming” dog. His friendly greeting, the paw he offered, the look in his eyes.
I wish everyone who comes to you to feel as wonderful as I do. Not only during the retreat, but after leaving too.
THANK YOU
Týna
